I know, I know. Everything thinks it’s terrible now. But it’s not.
Think about it. Mario off TOWIE, Charlotte off Geordie Shore and Courtney Stodden are all living in one house together. How is that not genius?
1. Emma Willis is so good she might even be better than Queen Davina.
Controversial, I know, but after the disastrous Brian Dowling era, you can’t throw enough praise at Emma Willis. She’s clearly a CBB fanatic, she asks really mean questions in a really friendly tone, and she looks a bit like Davina. <3 Emma.
2. Carol and Charlotte are the cutest ever best friends.
Geordie Shore’s Charlotte (who, BTW, is the most likeable person in the whole world ever) and Loose Women’s Carol (who, BTW, is the least likeable person in the whole world ever) have become best friends and it’s so so so cute. Carol was even visibly moved when Charlotte cried following her fake eviction. “Oh Charlotte,” she mumbled, as she watched her Geordie doppelganger weep. OH, CAROL.
3. And Ron and Bruce had the greatest bromance.
This is sad because they’ve both been evicted now but, while it lasted, this bromance was lovely. Lots of early morning cuppas and disapproving tutting about the younger housemates’ late night antics meant that these silver foxes had the most genuine CBB bromance since Kirk Norcross and Frankie Cocozza. Aw.
4. Some of the friendships are creepy though. Like Lauren and Courtney’s.
At first this friendship was so unlikely that it was sweet. Now, though, Lauren’s neediness has given it a creepy vibe. “We know each other so well,” purred Lauren when she pretended to get Courtney’s jumpsuit tantrum. Oh so sinister/compelling.
5. Mario’s nice, not sleazy.
Who’d’ve thunk it? TOWIE’s slimiest cast member is actually quite a sweet man who regularly looks after the girls when they get drunk and felt uncomfortable when Courtney got flirty because she’s married. What a babe.
6. And Lauren’s a musical genius.
This is a thing that happened.
7. Charlotte wet the bed and everyone acted like it was a normal thing to have happened.
A few days in to CBB, Charlotte got really drunk and wet the bed. And, for some reason, everyone acted like this was totally normal. Courtney sat on the bed, Charlotte did an “Oh no, I’ve done it again” face and everyone else scolded her in the same way that you’d tell of a child who just spilled a drink on the carpet. It was genuinely bizarre.
9. Abz performed “If Ya Gettin’ Down”.
And it was the best thing that’s ever happened.
10. When he’s not singing, Abz has an unexplained Jamaican accent.
Despite the fact he grew up in Enfield.
11. This is the bitchiest CBB house there’s ever been.
“You’re a stupid gremlin,” “Get over it you fucking botox trout-faced witch,” and “He’s such an angry fucker all the time with his stupid red tomato face,” are all phrases that these irate celebs have uttered during their time in the house. It’s so bitchy. We love it.
12. For ages, everyone pretended this woman was a celebrity.
As far as I can tell, I am more famous than Danielle Marr. According to Wikipedia, she’s a trained dentist and runs a Botox clinic in Dublin, which isn’t a thing that famous people do. And yet, somehow, she got into the CELEBRITY Big Brother house.
13. Screech didn’t get saved by the bell.
That’s just a pun coz Dustin got evicted.
14. Sophie kept pretending that she’d never had botox.
Sophie clearly has had botox. She looks great. There is nothing wrong with having botox. But, she shouldn’t lie about it. “Stop lying about your botox! It is obvious you have had it,” said arbiter of truth Louie Spence.
“Who cares? And I am not lying. You need to see pictures of my mum,” Sophie replied.
“Get over it you fucking botox trout-faced witch.”
15. Courtney forgets to wear clothes every single day.
Literally, every day.
16. And she did this weird smile when hubbie Doug came to visit.
Courtney is a 19-year-old child. Doug is 53-years-old actor (from Reservoir Dogs). Obviously their relationship is fascinating to watch. So when Doug and Courtney were given a few moments together during a task and they didn’t kiss, everyone had something to say about it.
18. But the best thing about CBB is that sometimes Courtney’s husband Doug Hutchinson hangs out in the audience with this handmade sign.
I don’t know what I like about this picture the most. Is it that the “y” of Courtney is a random arrow that points to three shooting stars? Is it that I can imagine Doug colouring this sign in with his felt-tip pens? Is it that the “o” of Courtney is randomly stripy? NO. It’s that Dane Bowers is on Doug’s right-hand side. Dane Bowers!