1. Charlie Brooker is a lucky git.
4. And he’s married to Konnie Huq, of Blue Peter fame.
6. His early ’90s cartoon strip for children’s magazine Oink! was funny.
7. And it was pretty funny when the the Polytechnic of Central London wouldn’t accept his dissertation on video games, and made him fail his degree.
8. It was even funnier when PC Zone got shelved by loads of newsagents because of his “Lara Croft Cruelty Zoo” feature.
11. Actually, it wasn’t that serious. He once described My Super Sweet 16 as an “Al-Qaeda recruiting tool”.
12. And Cilla Black as “the result of a unholy union between Ronald McDonald and a blow-dried guinea pig”.
13. And Nigella Lawson as “a minor royal who’s somehow been coerced into presenting a Christmas edition of Blue Peter.”
15. He thinks the Coronation Street theme tune is “the aural equivalent of having half-chewed, week-old Battenberg cake dribbled into your ear canal by a senile grandparent.”
17. But at least he’s not BB9’s Mario who resembles “Sly Stallone crudely whittled from a gigantic boiled ham by a madman in a hurry.”
18. Even snakes (“like bits of rope, only angrier”), don’t escape Brooker’s wrath.
19. Come to think of it, he doesn’t like many things.
21. And he’s written for The 11 O’Clock Show, Brass Eye and Spoons.
22. But none of these shows were as good as Charlie Brooker’s Screenwipe on BBC Four.
23. Except maybe Dead Set, his five-part zombie horror thriller set in the Big Brother house.
24. And when he’s not writing award-winning TV dramas or appearing on panels shows, he’s trolling F1 fans on Twitter.
26. But he’s not perfect. He doesn’t get everything right.
30. And once he looked through a magnifying glass in a really sexy way.
33. And he never minces his words.
34. He seems to have a really great relationship with his wife.
37. So when he said this…
Haven’t quit the Guardian: just going to be writing pieces less frequently. Weekly became untenable. Too many columns in the world anyway.