1. If you really want to make yourself look like a manufactured product, leave your feet alone.
I bet that hurt, like, loads. Right, Cara Delevingne?
2. Large heart tattoos that say “FAMILY” across the middle of them belong exclusively to tramps who walk dogs on bits of old rope.
They don’t belong on your arm, Sophie Ellis Bexter.
3. If you beat up your girlfriend, it’s probably not a good idea to permanently ink her battered face onto your neck.
It’s like saying, “Look at me! I’m proud I beat women!” Hear that, Chris Brown?
5. George Michael isn’t cool.
And neither are his song lyrics (“Never gonna dance again” from “Careless Whisper”), Harry Styles.
6. Avoid being too big-headed.
Writing a compliment to your vagina on your bikini line? Really, Tulisa?
7. Erm, in the UK, “minge” isn’t a cute nickname.
Awkward for you, Amanda Seyfried.
8. Of all the sea creatures you could permanently mark onto your foot, teeny, tiny dolphins aren’t the best.
SamCam! The prime minister’s wife!
9. If you’re going to insist upon circling your entire left eye with a garish pattern, make sure you copyright it first.
Mike Tyson learned the hard way, when The Hangover Part II copied his COOL design.
10. Inscribing meaningless nouns in the font Old Fashioned is unattractive. Adding a large lion will not improve the situation.
OK, Mena Suvari?
11. Homes are for living in, not drawing on backs.
Soz, Lena Dunham.
12. Teenage boys and Native American chiefs aren’t a natural pairing.
Are they, Biebs?
13. Please, for the love of god, LEAVE THE INSIDES OF YOUR LIPS ALONE.
14. There are better ways to express an enthusiasm for geography than by tattooing the longitudes and latitudes of your childrens’ birthplaces onto your arm.
It just looks terrible, Angelina Jolie.
15. If you want to get a tattoo in a foreign language, pay Google Translate a cheeky visit.
That way, Britney, your “mysterious” tattoo won’t end up saying “strange.”
And your “God” tattoo won’t be spelled incorrectly.
And Rihanna wouldn’t have got her French adjectives and nouns mixed up: “rebelle fleur” = “flower rebel.” Oops.
And Becks wouldn’t have spelled “Vihctoria” with a rogue “h” in the middle of it in Hebrew.
16. If you headbutt your wife, accept that she’s going to want to divorce you. Don’t tattoo her face onto your right calf in an effort to win her back.
It won’t work, Chad Johnson.
17. Even if Rod Stewart’s your dad, tattooing “Daddy’s Little Girl” on your lower hip is creepy.
And don’t wear a skirt drawing attention to its placement, Kimberly Stewart.
18. Never tattoo your face onto your back.
Really, Steve-O. It’s unnecessary.
20. And ice creams are for eating, not getting permanently etched into your cheeks.
Why did Gucci Mane do this? “I live my life cool as ice… as in I’m so icy I’ll make ya say ‘Brr,’” he explained. Glad that’s cleared up.
21. If you’re older than 5, you shouldn’t like SpongeBob. If you’re younger than 5, you shouldn’t have a tattoo. SpongeBob tattoos should not exist.
Even on biceps, Marc Jacobs.
22. Don’t lie.
You’re not a virgin, Nicole Richie. You have a child.
23. Do a bit of planning first. Tattoos r 4 lyf.
Of Brad Pitt’s back tatt, Angelina said, “I drew that. We went to Davos. It’s not that we were bored at the World Economic Forum, but one night we didn’t have anything to do, so I was drawing on his back.”
24. If you’re a grown man who likes Hannah Montana, you should lock yourself away.
You certainly shouldn’t get a “HM” tattoo on your shoulder. Should you, Stephen Baldwin?
25. Leave your eyelids alone.
That looks unbelievably painful, Lil Wayne.
26. Don’t ever (EVER) get your husband’s name tattooed onto your wrist. When you divorce, you’ll only end up crossing it out.
Won’t you, Katie Price?
Or changing the name “Winona” to the name “Wino.”
So you’ve gone from a man in love to an alcoholic, Johnny Depp.
27. Don’t design your tattoo when you are 12 years old.
Because it will look really bad. Won’t it, Christina Ricci?