You’ve graduated. Well done. Now you just need to sit back and wait for all those job offers to start rolling in. But while you’re waiting — and you might be waiting a while — clear out your wardrobe. Clear closet = clear mind, and all that.
I know, I know, they’re just so comfy. But unless you want to be mistaken for Joey Essex or a member of One Direction, you can’t wear a onesie anymore. FYI, posting pictures on Facebook of your entire family wearing matching onesies on Christmas Day is also not OK.
3. School leavers’ hoodies
These make me cringe so much. Think about it: they come in horrible, garish colours; their USP is that they display the names of a bunch of kids you don’t know anymore in the kind of plastic that comes off when you iron it, and they’re always a tiny bit too short. Throw. Yours. Away.
This is a tricky one because some stash is still acceptable. If you played Blues rugby for three years, you can continue to wear your hoodie. If you were the Engineering Society’s Social Secretary in the second term of first year, you can’t.
5. Disco pants
Unless you’re Jessie J, a member of Little Mix or a pre-19-year-old girl, you can’t get away with these. They’re metallic, skin-tight jeggings. Those aren’t words that should go in the same sentence, are they?
6. Jack Wills anything
Year 5 girls wear Jack Wills clothes now.
I remember when I got my first satchel. I was 4 years old. I remember when I grew out of my first satchel. I was 5 years old. Sure, Topshop gave them a momentary cool relapse a few years ago, but they were only acceptable at university because laptops don’t really fit in any other bags. Now, though, they’ve stopped being cute. And they’re not even that practical. Ditch them.
Wearing a beret is the sartorial equivalent of saying, “I kind of want to write poetry but I don’t know enough adjectives.” It was OK at university when there was a direct correlation between Jägerbomb consumption and adjective use, but that’s just not the case anymore.
9. Animal hats
While we’re on the subject of hats, let’s take a moment to reflect on that time everyone started wearing woodland creatures on their heads. That was odd, wasn’t it?
The sole reason students wore Havaianas was to let all the other freshers know they’ve, like, totally been travelling and found themselves, yah? But, like your dreams of finding employment one day, Freshers’ Week is over. Bin ‘em.
11. Patterned leggings
You know when leggings are OK? When they’re plain black and worn to the gym. You know when they’re not OK? When they’re not plain black and you wear them outside of the gym. You know other people can see your knickers through them, right?
12. Tie dye anything
I feel like wearing tie-dye was some kind of post-modern, ironic statement when you were a student. I don’t think grown ups do ironic outfits though.