I had not seen The Breakfast Club until this past week. The R-rated movie, chock-full of swear words and sexual references, wasn't something my mom wanted her kid seeing, and I never got around to watching the '80s classic.
But with the film's 30th anniversary coming up on Sunday, Feb. 15, I figured now was as good time a time as any to see what all the fuss is about — and to acquaint my 23-year-old self with this dreamy Bender person I'd heard so much about.
Here's what I thought.
1. I'm finally going to meet this Bender character!
2. *Imagines a Kurt Cobain-lookalike*
3. A David Bowie quote? Huh. I bet everyone reblogs this on Tumblr.
4. Damn, look at these '80s graphics.
5. This looks exactly like every high school I've ever been in.
6. How is it possible that high schools have not changed in 30 years?
7. Except those computers. Damn. Peep those monitors.
8. That locker reminds me of the time on One Tree Hill, when Felix wrote "dyke" on Peyton's locker. Was that a Breakfast Club reference? :O
9. These students look like the most miserable kids ever.
10. Eight hours of detention sounds illegal. Is that legal? Pretty sure it's not.
11. I'm supposed to hate the assistant principal, right? His last name is Vernon, like Vernon Dudley. Literally, no dude named Vernon is good news. To any Vernons out there, forgive me.
12. A 1,000-word essay on who you think you are? That actually sounds like every writer's dream.
13. Oh, so this is Bender.
14. ...Meh.
15. I feel bad for the goth girl. I bite my nails too.
16. Whoa, she bites her HAND?! That's pretty gross.
17. I feel like I'd get her if I took a "Which Breakfast Club Character Are You?" quiz.
18. *pauses movie and looks up Breakfast Club quiz*
19. I got Bender?! Well, at least he's got good style. Not sure about the fingerless gloves though.
20. He just suggested they close the door and "impregnate the prom queen." ARE YOU KIDDING?
21. Young Molly Ringwald kind of looks like Morello from Orange Is the New Black.
22. Jesus, this is a lot of angst even for a bunch of high school students. Was I that angst-y?
23. Wait, the nerdy kid is kind of cute.
24. *Googles Brian from Breakfast Club* Anthony Michael Hall?
25. OMG HE DOES NOT LOOK LIKE THAT ANYMORE!
26. Demented and Sad™ I should start that club.
27. I wish I had been in detention more during high school.
28. OK, Bender is kind of my hero.
29. I feel like a teacher would lose his job for telling a student he's going to go to prison.
30. Also, why are these kids so loud?
31. I can't decide whether I like Claire or find her intolerable.
32. Actually, I can't decide whether I like any of these characters. Even Allison.
33. Bender just lit his shoe on fire. To light a cigarette. Why?!
34. OMG this scene is great.
35. Did Bender seriously just ask Claire if she was a virgin? The nerve.
36. There's so much sexual tension between these two. Wow.
37. Why is Andrew speaking for Claire? She can defend herself.
38. I feel like there's always a whistling scene in movies.
39. Aw, Andrew and Allison are bonding on the way to lunch.
40. Claire is talking about what she'd rather be doing than sitting in detention...
41. Oh, she would want to go to Paris. *eyeroll*
42. Paris is so overrated. Why not Berlin? I miss Berlin.
43. "I've laid lots of times." Hehe. Do people say that? "I've laid"?
44. Product placement much, Coca-Cola?
45. This girl is so bougie with her sushi.
45. Is that mold on the meat of Allison's sandwich?
46. OMG, that's diabetes on bread.
47. Is Bender supposed to be a likable character? I know he has issues, but god, he whines so much.
48. This assistant principal is such a dick. Maybe I'll write a list of the worst educators in film history? Ms. Trunchbull from Matilda would definitely make the cut.
49. Damn, look at all that weed.
50. I feel like goth girl definitely tokes up.
51. These guys are like Power Rangers, plus angst and no morphin' time.
52. MAJOR SQUAD GOALS.
53. "Impossible, sir. It's in Johnson's underwear." BAHAHAHAHAH.
54. Vernon makes $31 thousand a year. Oof. This dude.
55. Adults are such phonies.
56. I feel like Bender would be biffles with Holden Caulfield.
57. Wut. Toilet seat covers? Those were a thing back then?
58. "Forgot my pencil" is the best line ever.
59. Awww, they're all defending Bender.
60. OMG, PANTIES. BENDER, YOU PERV.
61. Kick his ass, Claire.
62. I hope someone brings back the long sleeves under short sleeves look.
63. Smoke the weed, guys. SMOKE IT.
64. YEAHHHHHHHHHH.
65. Forget Bender. Brian is the real baddie.
66. Man, smoking weed in your high school is one thing I'll never be able to cross off a bucket list.
67. This scene is better than Beyoncé's "7/11" music video.
68. Bender's got a wallet of girlfriend pics? Playaaaaaa.
69. "You don't believe in just one guy, one girl? ... That's the way it should be." Oh, Claire.
70. It's kind of comforting to know that women have had to deal with emotionally unavailable playboys since 1985.
71. But also depressing.
72. "How come you got so much shit in your purse?" "How come you have so many girlfriends?" GREAT REBUTTAL. +1, CLAIRE.
73. Allison's bag is actually the only one I'd want to rummage through.
74. "Eat shit" is like the "IDFWU" of the '80s.
75. "I'll do anything sexual." YAAAAS, girl.
76. THIS LINE!
77. This: "What's bizarre? I mean we're all pretty bizarre! Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all."
78. So many truths were just dropped.
79. Oh, no. Andrew. Why?
80. That lipstick trick truly takes skill.
81. "When you grow up, your heart dies." RIP, heart.
82. OMG, Brian. I consider you my friend, bb.
83. I love when boys cry. Am I fucked up?
84. I wanna dance like these guys.
85. Yas, this song is perfect.
86. So why's it called The Breakfast Club?
87. It figures there'd be a makeover scene.
88. God, not pink.
89. Wait, where'd they even get that big hairband?
90. Allison looked better before the makeover, tbqh.
91. Ooh, they're going to make out.
92. Hotter than Fifty Shades of Grey, amirite?
93. OK, that was pretty great.
94. And Andrew and Allison are the cutest.
95. But like, I want to be this piece of paper though.
96. Oh. OK. Now I get the title.