24 Things You Should Know Before You’re Allowed To Go Out To Eat

There’s a really easy way to tell whether someone is a good person…

1. This doesn’t work.

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Neither does this.

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2. DON’T be this person.

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4. Emptying out your pockets does not a good tip make.

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Your fridge works much better.

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5. DON’T. You’re not funny.

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6. NOPE.

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7. NO NO NO NO NO. No.

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8. If these little kids can afford to tip their mom, you can afford to tip your server.

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Seriously, don’t let a child be a better tipper than you.

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9. Don’t set a bad example for your kids.

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10. PLEASE DON’T take your insane racism out on your server.

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11. Heads up: if you want to hit on your waiter, actually tip them.

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Nope, still not working.

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This is much better.

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12. If you want to make someone’s year/life, make sure it’s not with drug money.

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13. Artistic tips are awesome as long as they are also good tips!

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Not a penny loafer!

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This person rules!

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Or this.

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15. Atheists: This is JUST as bad.

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If you’re going to use your tip to make a point, make it with MONEY.

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16. DON’T draw smiley faces that you don’t mean.

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17. HERE’S A TIP: If you’re a famous person, everyone’s going to know if you’re a sucky tipper.

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Everyone will also know if you’re a great tipper.

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18. If you’re rich, your shitty tip is much, much more annoying.

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Being rich also makes your normal 20% tip way more awesome.

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19. Things that don’t count as a tip: pennies.

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20. Rounding up to the nearest dollar also doesn’t count.

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21. If you are this person, you shouldn’t be allowed out of your house.

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22. Be one of the good people in the world.

People Magazine circa 1984

“Our hero is police detective Robert Cunningham, 55. For the last eight years he’s been a regular at Sal’s Pizzeria in nearby Yonkers, N.Y., where Phyllis Penzo has waited on tables six nights a week for the last 24 years. Two weeks ago Cunningham was about to settle the tab on his usual meal of linguini and clam sauce when, on impulse, he offered Phyllis a deal instead of a tip. “Hey, Phyl, I’ve got a lottery ticket in my pocket,” he said. “Why don’t we split the card?” Penzo sat down and helped Cunningham choose the numbers for his $1 entry in the New York State Lotto Competition.

On April Fool’s Day Cunningham called Penzo at 9 a.m. to tell her he had just won $6 million dollars and that she was entitled to half of it. “I was still asleep,” she remembers. “I said, ‘Don’t bother me now.’ ” Cunningham convinced her that it was not a joke. She screamed, and woke her husband, Robert, a construction worker, to tell him they were rich. The two families will split the lottery payout of $285,715 a year over 21 years.”

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23. Compensate for holidays.

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24. Kindness goes a long way.

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