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1. You cannot refrain from kicking the ball—or someone—when you’re playing other sports
2. Your neighbors will most likely call 911 because you haven't left your house day or night during the world cup
3. you have to use your skills to do everday tasks (chewing gum, getting your clothes off the floor, returning stray basketballs at the court, and opening doors)
4. You happen to be Lionel Messi and you laugh when people say this world does not favor short people or lefties
5. You’ve watched/played for/ against an African team and are totally convinced voodoo magic, witchcraft, wizardry, and sorcery do exist
6. It’s totally worth it to rush in for every loose ball in the box and coming out bleeding doesn't even matter to you
7. There's always that stupid ball boy who won't hand over the ball
8. Holding your fury when you hear there’s not much contact or violence in it
9. Not wanting to incur the wrath of ignorant Americans so you call it soccer but you feel like like a scumbag later for not calling it by its proper name (football)
10. It’s the end of the world because your coach has to drag you off the field when you’re hurt
11. You yell at espn because they put poker on instead of the National Team, and it make you feel righteous inside
12. You understand it’s absolutely possible to miss a penalty kick
13. Yes, goal keepers CAN score
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14. Trying to come up with the next theory of relativity when people don’t understand why it’s such a low scoring game and when they compare it to other sports that have smaller playing area or shorter length
15. Why FIFA has not invested in goal line technology yet is beyond you, but you’d never be caught complaining for fear of being taken out into the streets and tortured
16. You fully realize goal line referees don’t do jack, but you want to keep your job so FIFA will never know your thoughts. You are a goal line referee and you fully realize that you don’t do jack, but you’re getting paid so FIFA will never know this
17. They only score when you leave for 5 seconds, but will never do the same when you’re at the TV the whole day
18. You win a challenge when you dive from five feet in the air, but get carded for theatrical diving when your dive is legit
19. You want your u-10 days back because you could break peoples legs and get congratulated for it
20. You will never be satisfied with the length of the grass no matter how low or how often they cut it
21. Tugging on peoples shirts/shorts is as involuntary as breathing
22. You trip people for no reason when they’re walking
23. You’re always warming up and jogging during a match even though you never get to play
24. Dem tan lines doe
25.
26. You like predators and you know they are not carnivorous animals or sketchy people online
27. Woe betides the fellow who encounters Nigel De Jong, Pepe, or Roy Keane
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28. It helps to dress menacingly
29. When someone tosses anything to you, it’s a good chance to practice a header or shots
30. No other sport can truly say it has a world cup
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