1. She’s not afraid of jailtime:
Whereas you can’t even watch Orange Is the New Black because “it’s too scary!”
2. She’s Steve Carell’s favorite person:
He doesn’t even know about poor ol’ you!
3. Ryan Gosling wants to work with her:
Ryan wants you to stop saving potato chips when you think they look like his face.
4. She has a back-up plan in case the whole acting thing doesn’t work out:
I bet your plan involves selling a kidney or the first five feet of your intestines.
5. She’s a real thespian, with real props:
Your props are cold medicine and empty beer bottles that are missing their labels.
6. She makes her parents proud:
Your parents are still waiting for you to learn where the stamp goes on an envelope.
7. She gets to motorboat Helen Mirren:
8. She can answer her doctor’s “when was your last…?” questions with authority:
You just stutter and hope your toenails know the answer to “when was your last tetanus shot?”
9. Lorne Michaels feels better when she’s near him:
Meanwhile, you make no one feel better about absolutely anything.
10. She gets excited to leave her apartment:
You’re probably reading this in bed.
She would toast to you…
…but you haven’t cleared your calendar for Eric Jonrosh’s The Spoils of Babylon on Thursday, January 9 at 10/9c on IFC.