25 Ways You Reacted To Joe Jonas' Confessional

Because it's the closest we'll ever be to a real-life Burn Book. Warning: May only apply to crazy psycho fangirls.

1. Hearing through the grapevine that Joe Jonas wrote a confessional.

2. …Only to realize you’re in a total service deadzone. The search for Wifi begins.

Seriously, T-Mobile, I THOUGHT WE WAS TIGHT.

3. You get onto Vulture.com and there it is, waiting for you…

Easy, girl. BREATHE.

4. One paragraph in, you KNOW this is going to be juicy.

5. And you were so right: “The first time I smoked weed was with Demi and Miley.”

6. You would just like to announce that this totally confirmed one of many theories you dreamed up in high school and everyone owes you an apology for ever doubting you.

This is already juicier than the first time we heard about the Vanessa Hudgens’ nude photo scandal.

7. …Which, SPEAKING OF, Joe alludes to quite distastefully.

UM, unnecessary. But I’mma let you finish…

8. The Jonas Brothers originally called themselves “J3”

...but they decided to change it (Thank Beysus Christ!)

9. Joe hooked up with a fan in a movie theater once and that fan WASN’T YOU.

But IT'S OKAY BECAUSE you know that food will never betray you.

10. He admits that he’s sexually active now.

11. “I lost my virginity at 20” (to Ashley Greene).

And now you have to accept the fact that basic ((Like, pH 14) homegirls have been there and done that.

12. No, really… it's fine.

13. “My 21st birthday, I fell down a flight of stairs”

For the first time since a couple of paragraphs, you can finally relate to him.

14. Joe was dying to tell you that Demi Sharkeisha’d a girl on a flight once.

15. …And that he’s probably next.

(Seriously, someone hold her weave)

16. He’s always been really sensitive about her emotional problems.

Can't imagine why their relationship didn't work out.

17. “Now I’m with someone I really care about. We get each other.”

He's in love and it's serious, guys.

18. This is what REALLY caused the "deep rift":

That was just one bushy eyebrow joke too many, Nick.

19. But he wants us to know they still have each other’s backs no matter what.

Blood is thicker than water, after all.

20. “Now that I’m 24 and have control of my life, I’m going back to the drawing board.”

*poetry snaps*

21. YOU WEREN'T READY FOR ALL OF THIS.

Knowledge is power, and you feel powerful… too powerful. YOU CAN’T HANDLE THIS.

22. NO ONE UNDERSTANDS YOU.

You wish there was a seminar you could register for next semester dedicated to analyzing this. Or even a support group.

23. But you you calm yourself down the only way you know how: google image search Joe Jonas for at least 10 minutes.

"Anytime, girl"

24. You forgive Joe for all those sexual escapades.

Eventually, you realize you can't stay mad at Joe and you should at least appreciate his honesty. High five, boo.

25. Because let’s be real… He always could and always can GET. IT.

Burnin' up for you, baby.