How To Poop In A Stranger's House

A lady/gentleman in the streets and a ninja in the bathroom.

Step 1:

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Before leaving your own home for the night, be sure to stuff your pockets or purse with a small spray bottle of perfume or cologne, a pack of tissues, a matchbook, and Poo Pourri, if you have it, and can carry it discreetly. These may come in handy later.

Step 2:

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Upon entering someone’s home for the first time, you may be given a tour. If you’re not offered one, ask for it. This is your chance to scope out the lavatory situation; choose one that’s a bit out of the way, like off a guest bedroom.

Step 3:

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When you inevitably announce to the group that you have to use the restroom, be cool. People can sense poop-fear.

Step 4:

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Check out the toilet paper situation. If the roll is empty, look under the sink for a new one. If there is none to be found, this is where your pack of tissues comes in handy. (Note to Hosts: Please don’t let this happen.)

Step 5:

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Before sitting down to do your business, float strips of toilet paper (or tissues, if you must) on the surface of the water. This critical step muffles embarrassing splashing noises, minimizes splash-back, and virtually eliminates skid marks.

Step 6:

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If you have Poo Pourri, spray it into the bowl now. (This is sort of cheating, but you do what you gotta do.)

Step 7:

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Run (noise) interference by turning on the faucet. Oldest trick in the book.

Step 8:

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Do yo thang.

Step 9:

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Flush immediately upon impact, also known as a “mercy flush,” to minimize odor. Anyone within earshot will be onto you, but it’s so much better than the alternative.

If you really went too H.A.M. on the tacos at dinner, repeat steps 8 and 9.

Step 10:

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Wash your hands. I’m serious!!!

Step 11:

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Take out your matchbook and light a match, letting it burn for a few seconds before extinguishing the flame and tossing it in the trash. (Do NOT toss it in the toilet: multiple flushes are so not ninja-like.)

Step 12:

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Spritz your perfume/cologne a couple of times into the air around the toilet to neutralize the telltale smell of the burning match. ~chemistry~

Step 13:

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Walk out of the bathroom with confidence. You’re officially a poop ninja.