1. The “I Just Got Into A Relationship”
There is nothing worse than seeing 40 uploaded photos of a new couple making out in different locations. It’s not that you’re jealous it’s just that you don’t need that on your newsfeed over and over again.
2. The “Minute By Minute Play”
You have no idea what you’re going to have for lunch but you know that it’s Karl’s cat’s birthday and he had “incredibly funny” things happen on the way to work this morning. Yawn!
3. The “Boasting Beast”
Life could not be better for these types of people. They have a wonderful job, an amazing relationship and three great hair days in a row. You have a burnt piece of toast and another episode of Game of Thrones. There’s always tomorrow.
4. The “Breaking News”
Move over CNN because when a celebrity couple have broken up or someone famous has died they are the first ones to let the world know. Statuses like RIP PAUL WALKER SO SAD OMG #DEVESTATED is why you constantly check the news online for yourself.
5. The “Hey I Just Met You, So I’m Gonna Add You”
You’ve just had a lovely time at a friend’s house and you arrive home to a friend request. Becky Thorpe? You check her photos and yes, that is the girl you just met less than 20 minutes ago. The world is definitely getting smaller.
6. The “Bad Grammarian”
It is always baffling when university students get their teaching degree and use your or there in the wrong way. It’s hard to take someone’s political rant seriously when they say “i hate politics. their so stupid!”
7. The “Poor Me Syndrome”
This person constantly sounds like a My Chemical Romance album, reminding everyone why life sucks, that nothing good ever happens and that it’s everybody else’s fault. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and think, “what can I do to change this?” because maybe, just maybe your happiness lies in your own hands.
8. The “Lurker”
“I’m never on Facebook” and yet they bring up that funny status you wrote a month ago, or a restaurant you got checked in at. They just hide in the shadows watching your every move. They are the digital peeping toms.
9. The “Playmate”
11 notifications? Come on, it does make you feel good until you realize they are all game requests. Candy Crush? More like I will crush your skull if you invite me to one more thing. Are you attending “PIE DAY March 14th 2015”? Absolutely no clue!
10. The “But First, Let Me Take A Selfie”
You know they have a boyfriend, a family, friends and a job, and yet all their pictures are primarily of them, alone. Photo after photo allows you to get acquainted with the inside of their bathroom. Hold on a minute is that dandruff shampoo? Sherlock would be proud!
11. The “My Profile Pics Document All My Past Relationships”
Their profile pics are a compilation of their relationship highlight reel from the age of 16. How many times can one person say “love you forever” or “my boo and i”? Always do a clean up after a breakup!
12. The “Chronic Liker”
Your status has been up for 12 seconds and already “Rochelle likes your status”. This isn’t the first time it’s happened nor will it be the last. There are no world records for fastest time so this is an unimportant talent.
13. The “Throwback Thursday”
One of my guy friends explained that #tbt is a way of showing everyone when you used to be skinny and happy. This reminds people that you can get back there and they shouldn’t give up hope. Maybe it’s just me but I think #tbt should be just on Thursdays. Makes sense right?
14. The “History Buff”
You see “Joe likes a photo you are tagged in” and think to yourself there have been no new photos taken of you. The liking of high school graduation photos and the “2007 Florida” photo album is a little creepy.
15. The “Activist”
Sign this petition. Like if you hate world hunger. Share this article about penguins. Any of these three things are okay in moderation until it starts to become a major theme on your newsfeed.
16. The “Overly Edited Photos”
Bright red cheeks, heavy mascara and the whitest teeth possible. No you’re right, #nomakeup is the perfect hashtag!
17. The “Collector”
The ultimate Facebook friend who has close to 5,000 friends but hangs out with the same three people. They crave drama and love to know what’s going on in everyone’s lives.