It’s Not A Shark, So Don’t Freak Out

It’s Shark Week, and with it comes the reminder that we haven’t monopolized the ocean. Yeah, there are creatures in it that are three times your size and will tear you to pieces like a meat grinder. But in the last 400 years there have only been 36 fatal shark attacks in the United States. So before you incite a panic by hollering for help, make sure that the shark who wrapped its teeth around your ankle isn’t actually a six-pack yoke. Disclaimer: if you’re lollygagging around Australia’s beaches, you’re eventually going to be attacked by a shark, so disregard this list and swim for the shore because that was definitely a great white that grazed your thigh.

1. Teeth

Yes, those are teeth embedded in the sole of your foot, but not 3,000 of them.

My friend Allie Conti recently wrote an article about a metal detector enthusiast who found a set of golden grillz while perusing South Beach.

2. Dogs

I spent more time having to outrun my neighbor’s loose dog than at the beach, and that’s why I found “Cujo” scarier than “Jaws.” But my flight-don’t-pet response was right, because dogs were included in Mother Nature Network’s list of 11 Animals More Likely to Kill You than a Shark.

Instead of worrying about the things lurking around you underwater, you should focus on the seemingly harmless dog who’s paddling toward you.

3. Feet

A shark isn’t rubbing your feet, and it’s not your boyfriend playing footsie with you; it’s a decayed foot that was potentially sawed off someone’s leg and tossed into the ocean.

Read: Salish Sea human foot discoveries.

4. Narco-Subs

What you thought was a fin off in the distance is actually a harmless submarine carrying 10 tons of pure Colombian cocaine.

5. Drugs

The runners who choose to traffic their drugs on go-fast boats sometimes dump their load when being pursued by the Coast Guard.

So relax. That’s just a kilo of blow floating in the water. And the only reason you should freak out is if a shark mistakes it for a seal and gobbles it down.

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