1. “Salmon DiVino salad” from “Anna Vincenzo’s”
Even Chef Ramsey couldn’t fix this cold, weird mess.
2. Jasmine rice from “Bazzini”
A word of wisdom to aspiring chefs: “rice boob” is never the look.
3. “Carvery platter” from “The Priory”
Like a Thanksgiving meal from hell.
4. Naan from “The Curry Lounge”
Didn’t you know? Many authentic Indian restaurants serve their naan on coat hangers.
5. Carrot gratin from “Piccolo Teatro”
Sometimes things are so bad that you’re at a loss for words.
6. Chicken curry from “The Fish & Anchor”
Not the wisest food/plate combination.
7. Mushroom risotto from “The Olde Stone Mill”
“Hot and disgusting”: a phrase that should only be used to describe the weather.
8. “Vegetarian” appetizer sampler from “Dillon’s”
The worst part? That “dehydrated turd” wasn’t even vegetarian. It was lamb.
9. Roquefort stuffed filet of beef with “shoestring potatoes” from “The Secret Garden”
Greasy beef stuffed with greasy cheese covered in greasy “deep fat fried hair.” No thanks.
10. “Salsiccia Lugano” (Italian sausage baked in white wine) from “Lanterna”
11. Deep fried Camembert from “Moore Place”
Did someone just sneeze into the frying pan and add a garnish?
12. Beef burrito from “Fiesta Sunrise”
Does the word “diaper” refer to what the burrito looks like? Or what you’ll need after you eat one?
13. Duck cakes with chili jam from “The Glass House”
Not sure if this is better or worse than the “poodle penis.”
14. Chowder from the “Hot Potato Café”
Sometimes you want food to be “sticky”: sticky rice, sticky pudding, sticky peanut butter. But with chowder? Never.
15. Potato skins from “Giuseppe’s”
I’m starting to feel very lactose intolerant.
16. Filet mignon fondue from “Handlebar”
And now I’m feeling ill, sick, and nauseous.
17. Lobster ravioli from “Peter’s”
I can tolerate baby food OR gunk, but baby food *inside* gunk? Too much.
18. New York strip steak from “Sebastian’s”
I don’t think my dog would eat that.
19. Monte Cristo from “Casa Roma”
See what’s coming out of his hands? This sandwich is LITERALLY dripping with fat.
20. Mushroom and duck egg on toast from “Rococo”
I know I should be concerned about the word “flannel” to describe the mushrooms, but what’s really bothering me is why it’s so wet.
21. Gravlax from “Fleming”
Gravlax is salt-cured salmon — sort of the Scandinavian version of ceviche. It should definitely not taste like “fly paper.”
22. Steak kebab from “La Parra de Burriana”
And in terms of flavors, it was even worse.
23. Crema Catalana, also from “La Parra de Burriana”
Actually, a hockey puck would probably taste better.
24. Shark steak from “The Granary”
I’ve never had shark, but something tells me that it doesn’t go well with cheese.
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