The Hanky Code We Wish Actually Existed

Will you buy me brunch in the morning? There are some things you just need to know.

Historically, the hanky code is known as a system used to indicate preferred sexual desires. The color-coded guide allows you to know something deeply personal about another individual with only a casual glance.

If there was a system for finding out the things you really want to know before you buy that special someone a drink – it would probably look something like this.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on opposite side: Lives in a spacious loft – completely alone.

Worn on opposite side: Out to everyone and their mother.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on the opposite side: Not a brunch person (whatever that means).

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on opposite side: The U-haul is waiting outside.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on opposite side: Will stare at literally anything but your face during sex.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on the opposite side: Has never actually been in a serious relationship before – for reasons not disclosed at this time.

Worn on the opposite side: Bought it, memorized it, living it.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on the opposite side: Uses your name, because that is your name.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on the opposite side: Open-heart surgery could be performed on the spotless apartment floor.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on opposite side: Team dog.

Worn on opposite side: Life does not revolve around their mother's opinion.

Justine Zwiebel

Worn on the opposite side: Won't judge you for taking them.

Worn on the opposite side: Sleeps like the dead until they are hungry enough to go get brunch.

Worn on opposite side: Never had a Grindr/Tindr to begin with.

Worn on the opposite side: Would laugh at the thought of having a sex playlist in the first place.

Worn on opposite side: Treats waiters and wait staff like actual human beings.

Worn on the opposite side: Looks down smugly upon those who spend hours glued to the tube.

Worn on the opposite side: Doesn't like pizza.