Definitive Proof That Sia Is The Queen To Rule Us All

“I am sia, I was born from the bumhole of a unicorn named steve.”

Let’s begin with a reading of Sia’s Twitter bio, printed below, as a basis for her near-mythical existence on this planet.

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God Bless Steve.

1. I cannot confirm, nor deny, that this Australian songstress emerged from a mythical creature’s backside.

Apparently, she was really discovered in an Italian karaoke bar. “I got up and sang at this karaoke bar in Italy. I didn’t like any of the songs they had so I just got them to clap their hands and sang “Lean on Me” by Bill Withers,” she recalls.

2. What I can tell you is that Sia was put on this planet to change all our lives, and the world, with her glorious music.

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Her voice not only lifts your soul, but her lyrics lift you onto a higher plane of being. If “breathe me” doesn’t reduce you to tears, nothing will.

4. When you listen to the otherworldly grace that is a Sia jam, it pulls you in slowly – her voice caressing each and every sultry note.

“I’m gonna fly like a bird through the night, feel my tears as they dry.”

5. Her voice builds towards an always perfect chorus, that she will wail upon with her angelic pipes, until finally…

“I’m gonna swing from the chandelierrrrrrrr.”

6. …YAASSS!! You are reborn.

“FROM THE CHANDELIEEEEEEEEEER”

7. It’s not just about the music, though – it’s about the entire aura of her performance. She is always unabashedly herself onstage.

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8. “Herself” being some rare form of high art.

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9. Her videos aren’t just “beautiful” – they are transformative.

 

10. *Even when she doesn’t actually appear in them.

 

11. With all this power and raw talent, shouldn’t she own us all? Shouldn’t we all be living in the The Great Republic Of Sia right now?

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12. NEWSFLASH: We already do.

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13. “Pretty Hurts” by Beyonce. Are you familiar? “Diamonds” by Rihanna. Ring a bell? “Wild Ones” by Flo Rida. EVER HEARD OF IT?

 

14. SHE WROTE ALL OF THEM!

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It apparently took her genius unicorn mind only 14 minutes to bang out “Diamonds” and 40 minutes to write the smash hit “Titanium.” IMAGINE WHAT SHE COULD DO WITH A FULL HOUR!.

15. Alas, our humble leader would rather rule us all from behind-the-scenes.

16. She published her powerful “Anti-Fame Manifesto” in 2013.

17. She compared the constant criticism and judgement from the public to an overbearing mother-in-law:


Imagine the stereotypical highly opinionated, completely uninformed mother-in-law character and apply it to every teenager with a computer in the entire world. Then add in all bored people, as well as people whose job it is to report on celebrities. Then, picture that creature, that force, criticizing you for an hour straight once a day, every day, day after day.

18. But, that doesn’t mean she is a cold and heartless ruler!

19. Take-away point: Sia isn’t here for any of the “fame” and “celebrity” bullshit.

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20. I mean, it takes brass balls to perform on Ellen with your back turned to the audience. She has brass balls.

21. To any nonbelievers out there?

22. Sia has nothing but ~ truth ~ to bestow upon you.

23. She once ended rumors that she was dating Robert Pattinson in one single tweet…

 

24. …and then proceeded to school the world on queer realness in one. Single. Breath.

 

25. All hail, THA QUEEN!

26. The queen that anyone is lucky enough to even share the same space with!

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27. Or even just sit next to.

28. Try as we might, we can’t all BE Sia.

29. We are all just so lucky – nay, blessed – to have her touch our lives every single day.

30. Let’s end with our queen singing “Diamonds” in all her glory. Feel free to close your eyes and be carried away to a world where Sia is responsible for every song you love.

We’re already there.

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