Coming out of the closet can feel like a terrifying leap into the void.
So, if a friend or family member chooses to come out to you — it's sort of a big deal.
Your friend probably thought, I can trust this person, they will be there for me, they won't let me fall into the void. Now it's up to you to BE that amazing, patient, and understanding person. But...how?
We asked some people, who have experience coming out of the closet themselves, for advice on how to support someone who is going through this often-overwhelming time. Here is what they told us:
1. Host a dinner party to introduce them to a brand-new circle of friends.
"If your friend just came out and just started dating, you could offer to host a dinner party for them when they're ready to meet other couples and expand their network of friends. Invite a few guests — LGBT friends and cool straight people alike — who you know will create a warm, inviting, and fun atmosphere and conversation. This dinner is about creating a safe space for your friend and their bae with the help of great food, laughter, and snazzy place settings. OK, you don't have to have place settings — but you should totally make really cute place settings. It doesn't have to be a "coming-out dinner party" (unless your friend says 'I want you to throw me a coming-out dinner party!'). Sometimes it's incredibly helpful to give your friends the gift of an evening free of anxiety and awkward glances."
2. Take them out for a night on the town!
"Take them out to a bar! Going to a gay bar, or LGBT night at a bar, for the first time can be a terribly intimidating experience — especially if you're fresh out of the closet. Having a buddy or wing person along with you does wonders. You don't have to get crazy or look for "the one" — make it a fun, casual night so there is zero stress. You could even try and catch a drag show. It's not about trying to pick someone up or get hit on; it's about experiencing what it's like to be in a queer space for the very first time. Go for happy hour and have a chat, and if you want to stay to have a REAL night out? Well, that couldn't hurt either. If you can get a big group to go along with you it will make the experience even more positive."
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3. Go on a shopping spree.
"You could take them shopping! Encourage them to wear outfits that make them feel comfortable and confident. It's important to show you support their clothing choices, because people often have such strong associations with gender identity and clothing. There's no need to be pushy though, and don't make it seem fake by overloading them with compliments. Just be the loyal shopping buddy you've always been."
4. Two Words: Book. Club.
"Having an LGBT-themed book club or movie night can be a great way to have a shared experience with your newly out friend. Even if you're both not straight, you're both not the same person; your coming-out processes and queer lives can be very different. By reading a book or watching a movie together, you guys will have a common queer touchstone — one that you can talk about, question, and challenge each other on — and your talks can provide some insight on how you're experiencing your out lives. Like, I once had a movie night with gay friends where we watched Another Gay Movie and Milk; it was a roller coaster of an evening."
5. Feed them, just in general.
"First of all, you're gonna want to start the process by providing your friend with some food, preferably something in the pasta or potato family — ideally both, covered in cheese — and at least three pints of mint chocolate chip ice cream. Little-known fact: The coming-out process burns a tremendous amount of carbs, and your friend will need your help replenishing them. Sometimes the best way to say 'I love and accept you' is a plate of baked mac 'n' cheese, a side of cheesy mashed potatoes, and one of those lava cakes that ooze chocolate when you break them with a fork.
Second, as you fill your mouths with melted cheese and noodles and ice cream, treat your friend exactly like you always have."
6. Show them around the neighborhood.
"Even if you're straight, it's fun to take a newly out LGBT person to a historically gay neighborhood. Walk through the main drag and hang out in a cafes or park. If they're old enough, visit a low-key gay bar too. They'll be surrounded by other LGBT people, which is refreshing after the isolation of being in the closet. There are other people like them! But gay neighborhoods can be also comforting because they show LGBT people aren't all alike. In contrast with the chiseled young white men of gay media archetypes, LGBT neighborhoods tend to be more diverse — older, younger, black, Latino, lesbian, transgender, not all runway models. There are lots of ways to be LGBT, and they're sitting at the next table. But if it feels like gay neighborhoods are an anachronism, you're right; they're fading as LGBT acceptance and online communities grow. But that's all the more reason for a newly out person to visit them. The reason folks can come out younger now, and face less hostility in society, is exactly because people struggled to change American culture. One way LGBT pioneers did that was by establishing LGBT-friendly neighborhoods, which commanded visibility and protected themselves. That very gay café, those pride flags in the window of the bars, and people living boldly living out of the closet are more than just stuff — they're testaments to how LGBT got where we are and why coming out is so important."
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7. Remember: Knowledge is power.
"If a friend has just come out to you, one great way to support them would be to help provide information. Often, a newly out person will still be figuring out what their life is going to be like moving forward. Without going too much into the realm of the overzealous mom, just picking up a book about LGBT health for them or forwarding along an article on related current events can mean a lot. It may seem like nothing to you, but those gestures can mean a great deal to your friend as they navigate the change. Little things like that show that you really support them and care about their well-being."
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8. If all else fails? Simply be a present and active listener.
"After someone comes out, or even while they are coming out, it's important to actively listen and know when not to give advice. Active listening isn't just about proximity or nodding or understanding. It's about being present. Being in the moment of listening without thinking ahead to what you're going to say next. Be present with their struggles and their pain and their joys without offering up your own experience. Where your experience is different from theirs, don't force it. You may not have advice for them and that's OK. It might feel like you're not helping, but it's powerful. Saying, 'I know how that feels,' can be a way of closing a dialogue. But saying, 'That's wonderful/terrible/heart-wrenching. I can't imagine what that's like,' is an invitation. There is a great empathy in wonder. Coming out is the time when someone is telling their story, finding and using their voice to express their truth in a verbal and emotional way. Learn the act of supportive silence. Sit with it. Endure. Bear witness."