The 22 Worst Things About Flying

SFO to LAX? Be there in 2 Advils, 4 peanut packets, 12 hours, and 672 dollars.

1. The base fare of a flight

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2. Hidden taxes, upgrades fees, and costs to check baggage

…extra fees to check “heavy baggage” and extra, extra fees to check more than 1 piece of baggage

3. Getting to the airport

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Unless you live within sight of the runway (which I hear is prime real estate nowadays) you may want to give yourself a few hours of lead time

4. Security lines that rival the tween masses at a Twilight premiere

5. Frequently updated reading material regarding the latest trend in the security safety manual

…and advice on what you should be discarding from your suitcase before you make it to the front of the line

6. Of course, if your bag runs through the X-Ray clean, it’s probably because a 4oz bottle of shampoo is hidden in your breasts

Note to self: Fly armed with Victoria’s Secret

7. Schlepping your luggage through the airport

Looks like we’re at gate 57— so I guess we should just head up the escalator, hop on the moving walkway, make a right, head past 30 gates, make a left, and it’ll be right there on the back left corner

8. Delays with no real explanation or estimate of an actual departure time

I’d go get food, but the attendant said they’re just waiting for a phone call to begin boarding… and it’s been two hours so I’m sure it’ll happen any minute now

9. Standby and over-booked flights

“Are you SURE you wouldn’t like to extend your vacation with this 22% off coupon for one magical night at JFK’s Ramada Resort and Spa?”

10. People who don’t understand the concept of “carry-on” luggage

11. Making you the “I don’t give a sh*t if there’s no overhead space, I REFUSE to check my bag” passenger once you’ve boarded the aircraft

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12. The impending safety risk

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13. Your seat-mate who decided to come on board with a four course Thanksgiving dinner

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14. And Coughy McSneezy to your left

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15. Or perhaps you’re seated next to this bundle of joy

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16. Don’t forget the insta-recliner seated in front of you

17. And despite your best efforts, being forced to resort to the airplane lavatory

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18. Most likely during turbulence

19. Class discrimination

20. The amusing “friend” who had a little too much fun while you were taking a mid-flight nap

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21. Over-eager Mile High Club wannabes

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22. And finally, your inevitably lost luggage

23. So here’s to a safe, prompt, orderly flight— and having the good sense to drive next time

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