Music

13 Beasties You Wish Would Be Your Bestie

Some of these are weird, but I’d love to bring them all home.

Roberto Mario Courtesy Sir Michael Rocks

Rapper Sir Michael Rocks grew up in Chicago. It’s there where he met Chuck Inglish, with whom he formed hip-hop duo The Cool Kids, but it was later, after moving to Los Angeles and eventually Florida, that he came into his own as a solo artist and an animal lover. Now residing in Miami, Rocks has a pet monkey and his eye on gators. In celebration of the release of his debut solo album, Banco, he wrote about some of the animals he’d most like to call his own.

1. Wallaby

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A mini kangaroo from Australia that will cut your grass for you by eating it. Gets along well with people and other pets and can be house-trained like a cat or dog. Small T. rex arms and huge boat feet make it pretty cool. Besides, I’m sure you’ve seen the cartoon Rocko’s Modern Life before, haven’t you?

2. Serval Cat

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A long-legged, spotted cat with huge ears that with proper training can be a pretty loyal pet. They are playful and affectionate, and with the right amount of companionship and love they will bond to their owners like no other pet before. Keep it real, it looks like a leopard mixed with a cheetah, and you can train them to walk on a leash. Def a cool pet.

3. Owl Monkey

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This is the perfect monkey for a person living the night life. They are the world’s only nocturnal monkey, sleeping all day and waking up at night to party. Their huge googly eyes allow them to see things in low light so they are able to do things when it’s dark out. They are weirdly cute and eat large moths, beetles, and spiders, so you won’t have to worry about those bugs in your house. Small, highly social, and intelligent, they are a great pet monkey to have.

4. Caracal Cat

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This fierce African cat, with its pointy ears like devil horns, is beautifully intimidating, but with proper training starting in its kitten years, it can be trained to be peaceful and loyal. They are highly athletic and smart.

5. Anteater

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Hailing from Guyana, South America, these guys have huge scary claws, a long snout, and an even longer tongue. They can be very docile, cuddly, and chill if raised with care and are very intelligent, responding to their name and playing with cat and dog toys. They can be house-trained and can even walk on two feet for extended periods of time, which is creepy but kinda tight.

6. Nile Monitor Lizard

Chris Hondros / Getty

Have you ever wanted a pet dragon? Are you a fan of Godzilla? If yes, then the Nile monitor lizard may be the pet for you. This is one of the larger lizards you can own as a pet. They are stunning to look at, excellent swimmers and climbers, and can actually be handled if you socialize them at a young age. Scare the hell out of everyone you know when you pull up to the club with your Nile monitor lizard riding shotgun. Cool pet.

7. Lemur

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They will open-handedly slap someone in the face when they feel they have been disrespected. Sounds like the pet for me! They are cute, playful, and HIGHLY intelligent as well. They can actually learn numbers, and scientists have concluded that they can understand risks and don’t like to gamble (good for any recovering gambling addicts.) They have opposable thumbs so they can hand you a drink if you are too lazy to go get one yourself — if they’ve been properly trained, that is.

8. Siberian Lynx

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The Siberian lynx is the largest of all three species of lynx. It stands at 30 inches at the shoulder and reaches 50–99 lbs. in captivity, so it’s safe to say anybody who tries to break into your house will probably wish they didn’t . They are playful and extremely devoted to their human owners when raised from a young age. Get yourself a “Beware of Cat” sign and ample food and you will have a loyal friend for up to 20 years.

9. Raccoon

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What else do you really need to know? They are smart little bastards who will supply you with endless hours of laughter with their raccoon antics. They are omnivores and eat a lot of different foods, so feeding is not difficult. Plus the cute little bandit mask on their faces will surely be a chick magnet.

10. Tiger

Brendan Thorne / Getty

Life of Pi was a great movie, and his pet tiger was pretty tight. Tigers are arguably the most beautiful cat on the planet, and they are highly endangered. But I bet you didn’t know there are programs in the U.S. where, if you have the money (around $15,000–$20,000), you can own a pet tiger from its infancy until it is about four to six months old before you have to relinquish it to a pre-approved zoo or professional tiger keeper. Imagine coming home to this face every night.

11. Gaboon Viper

John Pitcher / Thinkstock

The Gaboon viper is one of the most deadly snakes in the entire world. It is also one of the world’s most visually striking snakes. It has a huge head and the largest fangs of any snake in the world and has enough poison to drop Suge Knight in one bite.

12. Poison Dart Frog

Alfredo Maiquez / Thinkstock

The Amerindian tribes used to use these frogs’ poisonous secretion on the tip of their darts to poison enemies on contact. Vibrant and colorful, these may be the most psychedelic frogs on the planet. You don’t ever want to mistake these little frogs, at only a few inches in total length, for a gummy bear or an M&M on a drunk night because you will get really sick.

13. Gila Monster

reptiles4all / Thinkstock

With a beautiful orange-and-black pattern, Gila monsters are one of the world’s only venomous lizards and having one would be pretty damn close to owning a dinosaur (because they have been around since those days). The Gila monster is an attention-grabber for sure. It isn’t very open to being handled, so you won’t be doing that very much, but if it does happen to escape, it moves pretty slowly — so you don’t have to worry about it dashing at you and delivering that venomous bite.

Watch Sir Michael Rocks’ “Fuck SeaWorld” video:

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