17 Ways To Make A Human Fall In Love With You

If you are ever unfortunate enough to find yourself on the mediocre planet known to its inhabitants as Earth, you should immediately fall in love. Because love is just about the only thing that makes life on Earth bearable for more than, say, 15 minutes.

Matt Haig, author of The Humans, discusses ways to make a human fall in love with you (originally written for Tips on Life and Love)

1. Be incredibly good looking.

Humans are quite superficial, so being very physically attractive (by human standards) is a major asset.

2. Be incredibly rich.

See point 1.

3. Be incredibly famous.

See points 1 and 2.

4. Sing songs in the key of G.

This seems to work.

5. Take a human to a restaurant

and buy them food, and listen to them talk about themselves for at least three hours.

6. Act like you care.

7. Alcohol seems to help

8. Try and hide the fact that your body has functions

Hide it for as long as possible.

9. Do not touch your own, or anyone else’s sexual organs too early

This can have disastrous consequences.

10. Do not correct their grammar

11. If someone has accidentally fallen from a high place, catch them

and save their life.

12. Show them a sunset

Via nj.com

Or the ocean. Or a clear night sky. The universe is always your greatest seduction aid.

13. Don’t turn into your natural state

If a human ever sees your natural state they will probably cry, and vomit, and then go insane.

14. Lie

At all times lie.

16. Give them flowers

Flowers are reproductive organs. However, giving other types of reproductive organs—such as the testicles of a grizzly bear—does not have the same effect.

17. Be a mirror

Metaphorically. Reflect the self they want to see. And then they will want to stand in front of you forever.

Think you know about humans?

You probably don’t. Matt Haig can help you out.

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