*These steps do not solely apply to Chris Pine. This How To can be used for any celebrity crush who crushes you by dating someone who isn’t you.
2. Step One: Validate the news. Make sure you’re hearing this from a reputable source. Do an in-depth google search.
4. Step Two: Cry. Lots of crying. You’ve just been dealt the low blow of finding out the beautiful, adorable, sex God Chris Pine is off the market. It’s okay to cry. Let it all out. This is your time to purge your emotions.
*at this point you may be feeling a lot of anger. And that’s perfectly okay. Let it fuel your hate-fire.
10. Step Three: Consume as much alcohol as you can. This step is vital to the next three steps.
11. Step Four: Send dozens of snapchats to all your friends of pictures of Chris Pine with his new girlfriend with notes like “my life is over” or “WHY GOD WHY?”
12. Step Five: Listen to “Bitter Rivals” by Sleigh Bells (or any other song with an appropriate level of anger in it) at least 20 times in a row while you google Chris Pine’s new girlfriend and come up with a list of reasons why he shouldn’t date her.
Is she even a natural blonde? What charities does she support? Those shoes, really?
13. Step Six: Print out all the pictures you have saved to your computer of Chris Pine. Go to your backyard or any available space and build a fire. Burn all the pictures. This is part of the healing process, it will help you move on.
14. Step Seven: Wear black for a week. This will make you feel infinitely sexier than any beauty pageant winning foreigner Chris Pine could ever date and will complete the mourning process for the children you will never have with him.
16. Step Eight: Start pretending you have no idea who Chris Pine is. When brought up in conversation say, “Is that the guy from National Treasure?”
17. Step Nine: Go on to IMDB and give every film Chris Pine has ever been in a 1 Star rating. You’re not getting mad, just even.
(okay maybe a little mad)
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