1. The week after your break up, it starts to set in. You’ve resolved to binge eating sour straws and watching Titanic 20+ times.
You finally realize that Rose is a selfish bitch who could’ve shared that measly wooden plank with Jack.
2. Your house/bed looks like a cesspool of sorrow and a Goodwill donation center.
So much shit is out of place.
3. Let the gorging of ice cream commence! Or at least something close to it.
Mint chocolate chip is always there for you.
4. You don’t want to go to work but you have to go anyways.
They should exist!!
5. That one jackass can’t believe you’ve broken up with your significant other. You convince them and yourself that you hate your ex.
Respect the Ocean. Respect it.
6. You reminisce about the good times you had together.
7. You decide it’s a good idea to go say “Hi!” to your ex and someone sane stops your dumb ass.
Using any means necessary. pizza boxes are acceptable restraints.
8. You realize you were an idiot.
9. Your friends convince you to go out, and you do but….
10. You end up dressing up somewhere between a colorblind hobo and Bjork. And some fucker calls you out on it.
11. You cry because nothing is going right.
12. And you need a pick me up, of course junk food is the answer.
It always is.
15. Normal life resumes but dear god you can’t bear to see happy people.
Couples disgust you presently
16. Sadness returns and you don’t give a shit about anything else except food.
Don’t fuck with a sad/hungry person
17. You need to clean your room/house and find something of theirs and the floodgates open.
18. Your friends are tired of consoling you, but they continue to do so anyways.
19. You decide to get naked wasted alone!!!
20. You delve into weird activities to preoccupy your time/distract you.
Underwater basket weaving anyone?
21. Your friends stage an intervention and set you straight…
…or verbally smack the shit out of you until you realize that they’re right.
23. You convinced your inebriated self that you’re getting naked tonight! I got my bros/hos, look like a rock solid 10, and “Ignition” just came on…Flame On bitchez!
Its game time.
It’s bumpin’ right up in thurrr.
24. You realize you got naked with some weird fuck and question your taste in wo/men.
25. Single life continues and this has become a weekly occurrence.
26. You contemplate becoming a celibate monk who lives in a subterranean cave in Bhutan.
27. You decide against it and go have a drink or 3…or 7.
28. You make a pact/goal with another single friend.
29. You finally move on and kick him/her to the curb!
Good for you!!
30. You run into that asshole who dissed you about your questionable style, and they tell you “You look fly as fuck.” You’ll probably bang…
Go for it.
But you should probably bathe after this…
- Captured New York prison escapee David Sweat has been released from hospital and is back in jail.