"If you drink André, you still buy all of your party dresses from Forever 21."
"You don't wear tights in the winter."
"You probably don't know how to take a jello shot."
"No, if you drink André, you definitely do."
"Wait — how do you take a jello shot?"
"If you drink real champagne, you have more than 2K followers on Instagram."
"You make reservations at restaurants, you don't just show up."
"Or they're like, ~expecting you.~"
"You have tailored clothing."
"You're always pulled together, even when you're hammered."
"People who drink Gin & Tonics are always the bridesmaid, never the bride."
"You always flirt with the bartender."
"Oh my God, I do. But to be fair, the bartender is always the cutest person at the bar."
"See?"
"If you drink Gin & Tonics, everyone in your family probably wears matching footie pajamas."
[long silence]
"What?"
"If you like IPA's you have a beard."
"Or you only date people who have beards."
"You own, like, hella flannel."
"You might not have Facebook."
"If you like Natty Lite, you probably rushed in college."
"Your wardrobe is 75% bro tanks, even if you're a girl."
"YOU HAVE LOW STANDARDS."
"You think life is about quantity, not quality."
"Ouch."
"If you like PBR, you go to bars that only take cash with like... sticky floors."
"You want to honeymoon in the woods. Actually you don't want to get married. You don't like ~institutions.~"
"You call people phonies."
"People who like Stella, like, watch a French film and think that makes them super cultured."
"If you drink red wine, you're obviously the best."
"Um, you're biased."
"If you drink red wine, you got a degree in English."
"Your underwear and bra always match."
"You probably say things like 'just one more glass,' or 'I shouldn't, but..."
"You kind of don't want to invite red wine drinkers to parties because they'll try to make you feel dumb about something."
"Wait, do you feel that way about me?"
"I'm just saying."
"If you drink white wine, you're not an actual wine drinker."
"If you ask them to help you move, they'll come up with an excuse not to."
"They probably watch a lot of Bravo."
"And E!"
"White wine drinkers don't know how to cook, and like, order out a lot."
"If you like sangria, you're immune to hangovers."
"These are just the people who get drunk during the day and do not give a fuck."
"They're the kind of people who wear a bikini top and shorts to Six Flags."
"Yeah, but they look good! They still look good."
"If you drink moscato, you're probably a gossip."
"You're the chick who gets on a table at a club and isn't wearing underwear."
"You chug moscato directly from the bottle."
"Moscato drinkers go by their middle name in college, because they think it sounds exotic."
"You're some sort of 'ee.' Like, Tiffany, Sherry…"
"Whiskey is an 80-year-old man in a 22-year-old body."
"You like libraries."
"You love the show Portlandia."
"You put it on the rocks just to prove something."
"If you drink tequila all the time, you enjoy crying."
"And you also don't realize that your hair and makeup has like totally smudged."
"You've probably flashed someone, at some point."
"You walk home barefoot and everyone's like, 'No there might be broken glass' and you're like, 'Can I live?'"
"If you order Sex on the Beach, you're underage. It's the drink you order when you've only ever heard of 'Sex on the Beach.'"
"People only drink Sex on the Beach on a beach so they can instagram it and hashtag it #sexonthebeach #irony."
"Is it even good?"
"I've never had one."
"If you drink margaritas, you know all the happy hour specials."
"You went to college in the south."
"You're doing it for the 'gram."
"That sounds like cocaine."
"You have like 12 best friends."
"I don't know anyone who drinks a Manhattan."
"I've never had a Manhattan but they had that phase on SATC where they all started ordering them."
"I thought that was a Cosmo."
"I guess you're rich if you drink them?"
"You can afford to pay more than $12 for a drink so… not to say rich, but rich."
"You still watch Mad Men even though it sucks now."
"It doesn't suck."
"It still sucks."
"If you drink Cosmos, you think you're a Carrie, but you're actually a Miranda."
"Boss ladies and men."
"You've tried speed dating."
"If you drink rum, you're stuck on spring break."
"Are you kidding me, rum is delicious."
"Rum is for people who think whisky is elitist."
"Rum tastes like the floor of a cruise ship."
"How many cruise ship floors have you licked?"
"If you drink rum, you're on Tinder."
"Definitely."
"Vodka drinkers are psychos. Straight. Up. Cray."
"No, vodka drinkers can handle anything. Vodka drinkers are the kind of people who would go to that bar that's all made of ice."
"Vodka drinkers hook up with the guy you like and then ask you why you're being so sensitive about it."
"Yeah."
"If you like Vodka Red Bull, you're peak crazy. You're gonna be the person who doesn't let anyone go to sleep when you drink, you're just gonna be there all like 'What are we gonna do next what are we gonna do next?'"
"You're the kind of person who texts 20 people 'What are you up to?' and then puts you into a group text and decides who they want to hang out with."
"Red Bull tastes like tears."
"If you're drinking a Strawberry Daquiri or a Piña Colada and you're NOT on vacation, what are you doing with your life?"
"Or it's that person who just got a Vitamix and is trying out a new recipe from Pinterest."
"Someone who has a weeklong celebration for their birthday with organized events."
"Someone who makes people do the limbo at their birthday parties."
"I don't know any of these people."
"If you drink flavored Vodka, just go away."
"You have a promoter who gets you a table at a discount."
"Your favorite book is Star magazine."
"You met your spouse on Instagram."
"No, you don't have a spouse."
"You have several spouses."
"No, no one wants to taste your mouth."
"If you drink martinis, you have a roman numeral at the end of your name."
"I ordered it once. I wanted the glass. Then they didn't put in the glass. But they're pretty good."
[REDACTED COMMENTS]
"This is tearing us apart."
"Ugh, if you drink Absinthe, you studied abroad and you're still not over it."
"You Snapchat your friends you studied abroad with."
"You talk about people you met in hostels."
"You still gchat with a girl you hooked up with in Barcelona."
"You call it Barca."
"You try to tell people you saw the green fairy, and you didn't."
"Eurotrip is your favorite movie."
"I love that movie."
"If you drink Malibu, you are my freshman year roommate. Hi Brooke."
"I once tried to put Malibu in a Jamba Juice. It did not taste good."
"You're blonde."
"Hey, I'm blonde."
"You probably still steal alcohol from your parents, even if you're over 21."
"If you drink a Mojito, you really liked the O.C. and identified more as a Summer than as a Marissa."
"I hate Marissa."
"Case closed."
"If you like Old Fashioneds, you desperately want to be an old soul."
"Maybe you are an old soul."
"You knit, definitely."
"I think we're just saying this cause it has the word old in it, guys."
"If you like Whiskey Sours, you think reading one article on Grantland makes you an expert on something."
"You wear glasses, probably."
"From Warby Parker."
"Doesn't this have a raw egg in it."
"That's gross."
"No, it's protein."
"So is semen."
"If you don't drink, tbh you probably have your life way more together than any of us."
"Maybe."