• 1. Super Heroes

    Super Heroes are perfect starting point for accessorizing speed skating wear. They have the tight clothing that makes you question their sexual orientation, but the athleticism that makes you not dare to do so out loud, just like an Olympic athlete and yet they have a flare and pizazz that their medal winning brethren do not possess. Firstly, a notable logo. More important than that however is a cape. Nothing says, “look at how fucking fast I am going” like a cape does. Sure Apolo Ohno may have a pile of medals to cherish, but did he do it in a cape? I think not. He could have been the greatest caped athlete of all time, but instead he chose to waste his life. Learn from his mistakes people!

  • 2. Luchador Wrestlers

    Once again, they embrace the spandex but they know how to psych out their opponents. Think skating by with the stars and stripes on your chest is going to make and body blink? How about skating by as a full fledged f’ing skeleton? If that doesn’t distract them, hit them in the back of the head with a folding chair. I think that might just be legal in short track speed skating.

  • 3. Knights

    Perhaps a full suit of armor wouldn’t be best suited for speed skating, but chain mail might have its advantages. It is fairly light, and would be a big confidence boost. If you take a spill and those huge, sharp-ass blades go slicing you know your jugular vein is going to be just fine. Plus, if things don’t work out at the Olympics, you can always go search out the holy grail.

  • 4. Tanooki Suit Mario

    While this may not be feasible for most athletes, I am sure with the budget that sports generates these days we can make this happen. For those unawares, the Tanooki suit was in Super Mario Bros. 3, and allowed Mario to to smack enemies with his tail, turn into a statue mid air and crush enemies by falling on them, and to fly by quickly swooshing his tail. Now, you can’t “legally” assault your opponents in speed skating, but knowing it may happen could truly psych them out. Being able to bypass the skating all together and fly above them around the track is where the true beauty in this outfit comes into play though. Let the fools below you jockey for position. Just don’t let any flying turtles touch you, or you will totally lose the suit, and most likely the race, and all your hopes and dreams with it.

  • 5. Slim Goodbody

    While a flesh-colored unitard with internal organs on it may not posses any obvious benefits it… well… it will confuse everyone, and that counts for something right? It has long been rumored that judges give bonus points for having a Slim Goodbody fro. Speed Skating has judges right? Does anyone even remember Slim Goodbody? Is anyone even reading this?