1. The Aussie sun is your natural born enemy.
2. Slip, Slop, and Slap is not hardcore enough for you.
3. You're more like: Slip, Slop, Slap, hide under an umbrella, cocoon yourself in a sarong, and pray you’ll be saved from the melanin monster!
4. Your skin has two settings - "sunburnt" and "vitamin D deficient".
5. Those sun safety ads scared the shit out of you.
6. Getting sunburnt in the winter is a painful reality.
7. You look as red as a lobster all year round.
8. You will never know what it's like to have a layer of ozone protecting you.
9. You're convinced you can hear your skin crackling in heat.
10. You'd love to enjoy the sunshine, but you're too scared to leave the house.
11. Because if you did, this is what would happen:
12. Your sunscreen is no less than SPF 50+.
13. If you wear makeup, reapplying sunscreen without messing it up is nearly impossible.
14. You're always a party pooper when friends suggest an outing to the beach.
15. And when you do go, you end up lurking in the shadows.
16. You have honestly considered buying a burkini.
17. Wearing a short summer dress to a spring barbeque is a fantasy you will never live out.
18. You have go to great lengths to protect yourself during a casual game of footy or cricket.
19. You get burnt in the weirdest places like your scalp or the tip of your bum crack.
20. You get sunburnt so often that peeling off your skin is a weekly activity.
21. You experience the great misfortune of getting sunburnt on top of sunburn.
22. It breaks your heart that you can't marry a tray of aloe vera ice cubes.
23. You've tried (and failed) to make sunburn your new aesthetic.
24. You're terrified sun damage will make you age prematurely.
25. Your burnt skin becomes so sensitive you can't stand wearing clothes.
26. Which sucks because you know covering up is the best way to avoid further sunburn.
27. And as long as you live in Australia, your war on sunburn will never end.
CORRECTION
Melanin is a skin darkening pigment. Melatonin, however, is a sleep regulating hormone. We got those two terms mixed up in an earlier version of this post because we were too busy rubbing aloe vera on our sore burnt skin.