DIY: Use Your Dog To Get Away With Things

Do you want to dress poorly? Harass disinterested women? Fart without taking responsibility? Dogs can help you do all these things.

You want to: 4. Fart secretly . . . Apologize for Your Dog

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Polite Humans have been using Dogs in this home-improvement project for as long as dogs have been known to produce especially foul-spelling gas. You need no examples to understand.

You want to: 3. Bail Early . . . Because, of course, Of Your Dog

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You would love to meet up for a drink later tonight, but someone needs to walk Jenny.

The Beast has been having some tummy upsets lately, so you'll need to take the long walk in the middle of your work day to give him his medicine.

Of course, if you had the mental space, you would want to listen to someone mansplain progressive taxation--but Abracadabra is probably already whimpering at the door, waiting for you . . .

You want to: 2. Make Women Uncomfortable . . . Dogs Can Help!

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Something about a grown, drunk man leaning over one's drink, proudly, if jokingly, describing the size of his balls, puts some women off. Call them uptight! But there is an easy solution:

Be accompanied by a completely adorable, perfect, Boston Terrier, and talk first about his balls. Tell the poor women, who cannot help but hug the little squash-faced sweetie, that you are the only two men in the room whose sack in intact. The women will nod politely and nuzzle Pushy further into their soft necks.

You want to: 1. Sleep All Day . . . Try Dogs!

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You "wander into your room" (i.e., turn in place from looking at your tiny kitchen to your futon) in the middle of the afternoon, sit on the bed, lie on your back with your feet still on the floor, and look at the ceiling. You look depressed, honey.

But if, instead, you scamper over to Electric Slide, your long-hair dachshund, stretched out in a sun-spot, and you stretch out beside him: Now, you are cute!

[For this project, any cuddly animal will do, but a Medium-Sized Dog is key.]