67 Cooking Ughs, Uh-Ohs, And OH CRAPS

The trials and tribulations of those who eat beyond ramen. posted on

If you’ve ever wielded a frying pan or whisk, you know the endless frustrations of cooking. Here are 67 cooking annoyances, crisis, and flat-out disasters, just in time to inspire you for Thanksgiving dinner.

67. Trying to cook things you don’t eat.

I don’t know what it tastes like because I hate/am allergic to/don’t eat “BLANK” but now I need to cook it. Shit.

66. Trying to cook with other people.

There’s only room for one incompetent chef in this kitchen.

65. Trying to figure out the secret (magic) ingredient in a restaurant’s recipe.

Hint: it’s not love.

64. Thinking you have all your ingredients ready…

…BUT WAIT. NOOOO.

I forget the Vanilla/Clam Juice/Butter/Garlic/etc.

So back to the store. Damn it.

Or attempting to substitute. Keyword: “attempting.”

63. Not having a real measuring cup.

A cup is a cup right? Right?

62. Or a proper tin.

Size DOES matter.

61. When you feel like you need a divorce lawyer to separate the yolk from the white.

FYI: There’s a pretty cool method that uses a water bottle to sort of suck the yolk from the white.

60. Getting STIFF PEAKS.

There are SO many jokes to be made. You’re welcome for not going there.

ERMEGHERD ERGS.

Perhaps the one task that infomercials haven’t completely overdone…

58. Slicing things the wrong size/unevenly.

57. Peeling vegetables.

Though through the magic of SCIENCE…

55. When a recipe says “Sift flour.”

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

54. Forgetting the mixer is still going and sticking a spoon in it.

The glitters are miniature explosions.

53. Waiting for water to boil.

Then realizing you never turned the stove on.

52. Trying to keep your workspace clean…

51. …BUT your pot boils over…

And then a mess on your stove.

50. When a recipe calls for 15 minutes of continuous stirring.

“I DON’T HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR - oh, look a Pokemon!” Sauce burns

49. Trying to get something rolled…

…just…

Not too loose, not too tight.

…right.

Painstaking ain’t the word. No, wait. Yes it is.

48. Adding ingredients out of order.

Sometimes, this doesn’t matter. Other times…

47. Mixing up baking powder and baking soda.

46. Wet stuff sticking to your measuring cup.

44. RIISSEEE MY PRETTY.

Begging for your dough to rise. Sacrificing small kitchen implements to the God of Yeast. Pretty, pretty please riiisseee.

OH SHIT, WE’RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOWL.

43. When your butter is too cold to beat…

and you’re too impatient to wait for it too soften. So you nuke it. And it melts. And it changes and possibly ruins your recipe.

42. Cutting onions: What you expect.

Beautiful.

Cutting onions: REALITY.

But with more tears. And possibly blood.

41. Getting the munchies while you cook.

Just…a little taste. NO I DON’T CARE IF IT’S RAW.

40. Trying to use fad ingredients - Hemp? What?

Oh Mary Berry…

39. Needing to add healthy ingredients to your cooking.

Because you can’t live off of butter, cheese, and pasta. Sadly.

38. Your clothes, hair, and home getting smelly.

EVERYTHING STINKS OF ONION.

37. Getting your clothes messy.

35. Chocolate melting as you handle it.

I NEED FLAKES DARN IT. NOT MUSHY MELTY CHOCO SAUCE. Ok, I need that too…Everyone needs chocolate sauce in their lives. Just sayin’ need m’flakes too.

34. Getting the temperature of your frying pan/sauce pan wrong.

33. When something sticks to a pan.

Goddamn it, it says “non-stick!!!”

32. Trying to use food coloring.

A Pintrest Fail just waiting to happen…

31. Cooking for someone who likes a different level of spice.

You want ‘mild.’ I want the roof of my mouth to catch fire.

30. Whisking by hand.

Stifffpeaksstiffpeaksstiffpeaks GODDAMN IT MY ARM IS GOING TO FALL OFF.

29. Over mixing.

Rubbery muffins, here we come.

28. Getting stuff stuck to your whisk.

27. Trying to get that last bit of batter from the bowl.

“That’s like half a bite of cookie!”

26. Flipping pancakes

Level 1: FAIL

Admit it. You’ve tried this move and failed. Utterly. It’s ok grasshopper- we all must fail before we unlock this level of cooking badassery.

Level 2: Competency

Ok, yeah, pretty impressive.

Level 3: Mastery

Ho-lee Sheet.

25. Trying to crumble cookie pieces/nuts/etc.

You want to just give up and HULK SMASH it all. (You won’t like me when I’m hungry.)

24. Using salt instead of sugar.

23. Forgetting, adding too much of, measuring SALT. Just….SALT.

22. Trying to spoon cupcake batter neatly.

One drop on the pan and you get a burned nugget impossible to wash off.

21. Forgetting to evenly spread the batter.

Lopsided cake, here we come.

20. Trying to make your cookie dough lumps even.

I always end up with a giant one, mostly uniform medium ones, and a couple minis.

19. Running out of oven space.

Ever try cooking in a dorm?

18. Having to turn the food over during cooking (or forgetting to do so).

17. THE CENTER NOT SETTING.

When you make a pie or casserole or whatever, the usual test for “doneness” is whether or not the center is firm to touch. And for some reason, THIS SEEMS TO NEVER HAPPEN. “I guess I’ll leave it in there for another 5 minutes. And another. The edges look pretty golden brown. But not yet. Sigh. WAIT, WHAT, IT BURNED?”

16. TIME. WAIT. FORGETTING TO TIME THE TIME.

15. NOT KNOWING THE TIME.

Guesstimating rules. “It kinda looks done? Whatever, I’m too hungry to wait.”

14. TIME. WHY DOES IT TAKE TIME.

13. BURNING THE THING.

11. BURNING THE THING AND THE YOU.

3rd degree burns and STILL HUNGRY.

10. Trying to get something off of a tray.

9. Dropping things. Like your beautiful, lovely FOOD.

8. Trying to cool something down.

Or trying to serve/cut it while it’s hot.

7. WHEN SOMETHING FALLS APART.

Commence weeping.

6. Trying to balance entertaining and cooking.

Or aiding and abetting a villainous, power hungry royal advisor and cooking.

5. Trying to spread icing evenly.

Or artistically.

4. Trying to make the final product pretty.

But not having the right tools.

3. And worse, tapping into hitherto unknown skills to create a beautiful masterpiece of edible fancy…

…and having to destroy that perfection to enjoy it.

2. Not making enough to share.

1. And of course…the worst… having an absolute disaster of a result after hours of work.

ALL THAT EFFORT. AND. I’M. STILL. HUNGRY.

But more importantly…EATING IS FUN.

Like a home cooked meal.

So is all the trouble worth it?

Also…having to rely on other people’s cooking???

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