4 Terrible Toys To Give Your Kids This Holiday Season

With every holiday season comes a new crop of toys. Sometimes, the toy companies outsources their R&D departments to crazy people.

1. The Breast Milk Baby - Berjuan Toys

Finally, a present for the parent who wants to give their daughter the looming stress of their biological clock 15 years before they’re psychologically ready to cope with it!

Rather than encouraging your little girl to explore the incredible world around her with a Dora the Explorer doll or kick alien ass with whatever this year’s hot video game will be, remind her that those milk glands are only going to work for so long and sooner or later, she’s going to need to give you a grandchild or two. Sure, school is important, but she’s going to be in fourth grade next year already. Isn’t it about time she starts looking for someone to settle down with?

2. Stylin’ Studio - Girl Tech

It’s more important than ever that children learn how to effectively use today’s rapidly advancing technology, so that they’re competent with current tools and tech by the time they enter the workforce.

And there’s no more perfect way to get girls into technology than showing how it can make them prettier! With the Stylin’ Studio, little girls can primp, pose, and poke at their image until they finally get it the way it should look. Teach them about the wonders of airbrushing this Christmas, and they’ll be emailing the digitally perfected versions of themselves to their friends by New Years Eve.

3. Shape Shifter Punisher - ToyBiz

If you thought terrible toys were only limited to traditionally feminine ones, don’t worry. Boys can get in on this awful, awful party, too.

Little boys today are being brought up in a world that emphasizes empathy over dominance, caring and sharing over violence and explosions, and communication over emotional suppression. What’s a terrible parent to do? With the Shape Shifter Punisher from ToyBiz, horrible parents across America can teach their sons that the only thing that matters is how big their “gun” is. “Shoot” your feelings out of you through your crotch, and be sure to remember that anything that gets your “weapon” up is a target!

[NOTE: To be fair, this is a picture of the toy in mid-shape-shift. The fully-shifted version is much more appropriate. The toy also seems to have been removed from toy stores.]

4. Her First High Heels - Heelarious

Everyone likes a cute baby, and nothing says “cute” like a great pair of Manolos. Introduce your infant daughter to high heels before she’s even aware of the concept of walking with these “soft crib shoes designed to look like high heels”!

The website of the company goes out of its way to stress that the shoes are intended as a joke, are not designed for walking, and will collapse when any weight at all is put on them. Sounds like a great thing to be putting on the feet of a 0-6 month old human who is trying to figure out how to stand upright!

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