This Is What Every Episode Of “Grand Designs” Is Like

Kevin McCloud disses the building for 49 minutes. Then he loves it!

1. You only watch Grand Designs because it has this funky opening theme tune. AM I RIGHT?

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“UH AH AH AH UH AH AH AH AH UH AH AH AH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

Via youtube.com / Channel 4

2. But is it a Revisited, which means that you have to watch 48 minutes before you see anything new?

IF SO THEN KEVIN MCCLOUD YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

3. The programme opens with an interview with people who either have more money than sense or more sense than money.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com /

They say: “We’ve always dreamed of building our own house.”

4. The house they are building? It’s either a hole in the ground or a giant pile of rot.

5. They are project-managing the whole thing themselves – but don’t worry, they’re totally qualified.

6. Then… IT’S THE CGI BIT.

7. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW. WOW.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

Your mother (watching the episode with you): “Wow, CGI is so realistic these days.”

8. They’ve remortgaged everything. How much money can they go over their budget by?

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That’s a bit worrying.

9. “To save money we’re going to live in this small caravan with our four children until the house is built.”

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“We plan to move in on 31 December 2004. And not a day later.

10. Kevin ponders whether the build is too ambitious / not risky enough / unsuitable for the local area.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“I think the build is too ambitious / not risky enough / unsuitable for the local area.”

11. ADVERT BREAK! B&Q and Homebase ads follow.

12. Then the construction begins! “We’re building an ecological home…”

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

CONCRETE CONCRETE ADD MORE CONCRETE I LOVE CONCRETE.

13. For the next 20 minutes all you see is this.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

14. THE WINDOWS HAVEN’T TURNED UP.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

15. Kevin gets worried.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“They’ve discovered rot / the materials cost way more than originally planned.”

17. Several years later… Have the windows turned up?

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

18. Don’t worry, there hasn’t been any flooding.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

19. There’s deffo never any of this.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

20. And they didn’t find that whole bit of the build difficult.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

21. “THERE ARE ISSUES WITH THIS HOUSE.”

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

22. “So I’m going to explain how it can be solved with some props I’ve found in a nearby bin.”

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

23. A MILLION INTERIOR DESIGN ADVERTS FOLLOW.

24. And now it’s only 10 minutes until the end of the episode, and the house still looks like this.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

You’re like, “OH CRAP I’VE WASTED AN HOUR.”

25. THEN YOU SEE HIM WALK TOWARDS THE HOUSE.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

26. THE HOUSE IS FINISHED.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

They’ve even mowed the lawn. Well done them.

27. What then follows is a series of incredibly pretentious arty-farty camera angles purposely designed so you go…

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH…”

28. Or the house looks so grim you say to your mother…

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“I’m not sure whether I could ever see myself living there.”

29. Then, Kevin cheekily asks…

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

30. They look awkward, and then blurt out…

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

“It’s only 362,182 times our original budget!”

31. Kevin doesn’t make it any worse or anything.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

32. Kevin walks slowly towards the camera with his hands in his pockets, coming out with a story about how the house represents something meaningful.

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

He then says his final thought.

33. “This house was always going to be magnificent.”

Channel 4 / Via youtube.com

34. And then you see this.

Channel 4

NO I’M NOT A MILLIONAIRE STOP REMINDING ME.

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Scott Bryan is the UK entertainment editor for BuzzFeed News and is based in London.
 
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