1. Think that there’s something good on British TV during the day? You’re deeply wrong. At 9am BBC Breakfast turns into a gushing celebrity love-in.
You’re like “WHERE IS ALL THE NEWS BBC NEWS? What is this?”
2. So you turn it over to Jeremy Kyle show…
Still… it’s better than 78-year-old episodes of Everybody Loves Raymond on C4.
You get a bit bored, so you turn it over to Homes Under the Hammer.
3. Homes Under The Hammer consists of exceptionally loud people constantly shouting about houses…
These houses are going off to auction, but what do the houses look like?
4. They are enthusiastic about a house that looks like…
This one looks like a murder scene.
6. And that curtain :(
Yet the presenters run round the building shouting “SO MUCH POTENTIAL.”
7. But then it is the exciting auction bit, which consists of a man pointing and various people nodding.
“Oh the flat is now at £125,000. Oh wait now it’s at £130,000. £135,000!”
The house is then sold. OMG.
8. THEN THE REALLY EXCITABLE PRESENTER visits the people who bought the house and ask them why they bought it at auction. They respond with…
The presenters response? “REALLY? FASCINATING. OMG. GREAT.”
So this show is a bit dull isn’t it?
9. The only show highlight? Depressed estate agents.
Why not turn over to This Morning?
10. OH LOOK at the This Morning line-up today.
Errrrrrr…. what else is on? It’s Escape to the Country!
11. Bad news. Every Escape to the Country is the same.
The pain never ends.
12. But then, a house is bought! Until….
You realise that you’ve just spent 45 minutes watching people not liking houses before deciding not to purchase a house.
Okay, so this is a bit crap… why not turn over to Wanted Down Under?
13. Bad news, every Wanted Down Under is the same too.
Even the presenter is the same. This show (if you haven’t watched it before) consists of Nicki Chapman inviting a family who hate Britain for numerous reasons (the weather, prices, the 34th series of The Only Way Is Essex) to stay in Australia before deciding with their family whether they should stay for good.
The parents and the kids arrive in Australia. They immediate love everything in this country. They are going to ditch the UK and move over here STAT.
14. But wait… kids miss home! Parents miss home!
The family are forced to watch videos made by their British friends telling them how much they will miss them if they move abroad. This is a very sensitive subject, Nicki informs us.
15. But then… SOD IT. Let’s give them some cards and force them to decide whether to move on camera.
CHOOSE. CHOOSE. CHOOSE. YAAAAAAAAY THEY’RE MOVING.
Even the woman doing sign language for the deaf is pleased.
Okay, so now you’re bored out of your mind. What’s on next?
16. It’s time for BBC One’s Countryside 999!
Just think of it. LIFE AND DEATH COUNTRY SITUATIONS.
The narrator shouts: “The countryside. It’s beautiful, but you could die.”
17. Cue people in serious accidents and situations…
Don’t worry, she isn’t going to die.
Is the whole show an adrenalin-fuelled, exciting, thrilling “edge-of-your-seat” festival? Well, not really. In fact, here is a resounding answer: no.
18. In this episode a police officer checks whether these campers possess any weapons (they don’t).
They’re just lovely people camping with a penknife.
19. And this guy’s brake lights aren’t working.
Terrifying conclusion? They get told off by the police.
GOD HELP ME IS ANYTHING ON TV?
20. Oh. It’s Doctors - the drama with opening title music sounding like a harp falling down some stairs.
NNEEEEE NEEEEEE NOOOOWWWWWWWW. You instantly turn it over.
21. ITV right now? It’s bad news I’m afraid.
22. How about Channel 5? Well, Neighbours is on! As the opening titles roll you start to wonder…
23. Not watching an episode in 8 years doesn’t help.
24. But then you see these two and you’re like…
Karl and Susan Kennedy <3
25. Oh wait, aren’t they divorced now?
SO MUCH MID-NINETIES AND EARLY NOUGHTIES BBC PAIN.
26. You pass out in your filth. When you wake up…
27. Then you realise that you’re really quite thick when you have to make words from these chosen letters.
You start shouting “DEN. TAN. DUE. DUEYNE? DUEYI? CADEN. IN.”
After the 30 seconds are up, you think “surely everyone did crap too.”
28. Here’s what the first contestant got.
But surely he got it wrong, right? HA HA HA HA MUST GOT IT WRONG.