1. Daytime shows are shit. It’s just this over and over.
2. BUT NOT ANY MORE. There’s this show on C4.
John Barrowman, who you’ll recognise fromTorchwood, Doctor Who and Desperate Housewives (he also has both an American and Scottish accent, but nobody really knows why), presents a show where dogs compete in a number of challenges in an indoor dog arena. AN ACTUAL INDOOR DOG ARENA.
What do they win? M-O-N-E-Y and “a grand unveiling at this year’s Crufts.”
3. So basically the show consists of this…
Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs. Dogs.
The challenges though, are pretty random.
4. The first one consists of the dogs having to jump into a swimming pool to receive a ball…
The dog that retrieves the toy in the shortest time WINS POINTS.
6. Then BOOM. The dog dives in and the timer starts.
The commentator shouts: “COCKAPOODLEDOO what a great leap that is.”
7. This dog did very well. Just look the time.
That’s in seconds. Not minutes. The show is only 23 minutes long.
8. But some of the dogs don’t do that well.
Many just stand there, alone and confused, wondering why their favourite toy is all wet and why people keep cheering their never ending sadness.
9. The first round has now concluded, so let’s have a look at the world’s most straightforward scoreboard.
10. Think that the first challenge is pretty random? This is absolutely nothing compared to the second one.
The dog that manages to get the most balls into the goal wins. And if they get the small golden ball, there’s more points.
Although, you should note that dogs can’t understand such complicated rules as they are dogs. Dogs are also a colourblind so good luck with the golden balls.
11. Some dogs are very very good at this competition.
The commentator: “WHAT A FANTASTIC GOAL.”
12. Whilst some of the other dogs are crap at this.
They either push the balls in absolutely every single direction apart from the goal or just stand there, alone, barking into oblivion.
And after the balls and golden have been counted up, it’s time for the most exciting and confusing round of all.
13. IT. REALLY. IS. QUITE. AMAZING.
Each dog and their owner tackles an obstacle course! The dog has things to jump over, ladders to climb, tunnels to tunnel through… as fast as they literally can.
The owner meanwhile runs alongside, instructs them and panics as absolutely everything the dog attempts to do goes totally totally wrong.
14. There’s even a temptation bit during the course, where dogs get deducted points if they touch these.
These objects have got their own tables. This is their moment, guys.
15. Some dogs manage the dogstacle course well.
Like Cruft pros. I mean, just look at the owner on the right. He’s running full tilt just to keep up with his loving successful dog.
19. Jump over the fence?
“Nah thanks I’ll just jump under it thanks.”
22. LEAVE THAT BLOODY BONE ALONE.
Don’t you laugh at my misery John Barrowman. Don’t you dare.