1. Instead of Argentina vs. Iran on Saturday…
Football football. Blah blah blah. Get it in that goal go team win WOOOOOO.
You could watch Meet the Sloths on Animal Planet.
When is it? ALL THE TIME. They are showing it every half-hour for a week.
Why should you watch it? Because you are guaranteed to see a show that has little action instead of a football game that has potentially little action.
Sloths aren’t fans of football. Did you not know?
2. Instead of Germany vs. Ghana this Saturday night…
When is it? Saturday 21st June, with coverage starting at 7.30 p.m. on ITV1.
You could watch… Trains with Pete Waterman.
When is it? 6.50 p.m. on More4, starting an entire hour before kickoff so you know that there is absolutely no excuse not to watch.
What is on this show? HAVE A GUESS.
Notable moments: You discussing loudly in the room how much you hate pop music created by Pete Waterman (whilst you secrely like dancing to all of Pete Waterman’s back catalogue, otherwise he wouldn’t be in business right now).
3. Instead of Nigeria vs. Bosnia on Saturday…
The game is at 10.40 p.m. See? This article is just so useful to football fans.
Watch Political Highlights on BBC Parliament.
How long is this show on for? It’s on for an hour, but it will feel like days.
Why should you watch it? So you can contemplate leaving the house.
This slot is saved for any shit hot political moment of the week, but whenever I turn it on it always seems to be a Select Committee of some sort, so it might be that.
4. Instead of Belgium vs Russia on Sunday (4.30 p.m.)…
What is Putin saying in that clip there? Well I’ve done a nifty bit of translating there.
Putin is trying to say “football football. Blah blah blah. Get it in that goal go team win.”
You COULD watch Ejector Seat with Andi Peters.
What is it? A game show where contestants are sitting on a seat. If they get too many questions wrong, they leave the show by being tipped backward on their seat.
No seriously, this is an actual television show.
Why should you watch it? To wonder how drunk everyone was at ITV when they were forced to think up new game show concepts.
Why else? To hear Andi Peters attempting a serious suspenseful voice.
5. Instead of South Korea vs. Algeria on Sunday (7.15 p.m.)…
You could watch End It Like Beckham, a documentary about Beckham, using “extensive archive footage”.
When is it on? It is on E! at 5.30 p.m. on Sunday.
Why should you watch it? Because watching whilst football is on will make you feel meta and because E! doesn’t have the sports rights they prpbably won’t end up showing you any of the football anyway.