You know Take Me Out. A bit cheeky, a bit terrible.
Well, now Channel 5 has got its own version. It is called Stand by Your Man. The format is eerily similar to Take Me Out (a load of girls decide which guy to go on a date with), but trust me, Stand by Your Man is so so so so SO much worse.
If you watch an episode I guarantee that you will end up considering Take Me Out the Waitrose of British dating shows. Here’s why.
1. Take Me Out is presented by Paddy McGuinness. The purpose of the show is to help girls find love.
Stand by Your Man is presented by Westlife’s Brian McFadden for some reason, and let’s just say everyone’s intentions are less romantic.
At the start of an episode the camera does this.
2. On Take Me Out contestants go down the love lift.
On Stand by Your Man the guys enter by walking through what seems to be a slightly confused café.
Your reaction: “HMMMM… Stand by Your Man doesn’t have a big budget.”
But this is after the women judge selfies of the men.
They then stand next to the selfie they find the fittest.
That’s why the show is called “Stand by Your Man”. GEDDIT??!?!?
You, meanwhile, start despairing. Surely there’s more to love than just looks, right?
3. On Take Me Out the girls decide whether a guy is worth dating after watching a display of his talents.
On Stand by Your Man a round starts with this.
A rotating bed with one of the contestants on it either pouting or looking extremely uncomfortable, followed by a girl asking deeply personal questions.
Deeply personal questions like this.
FORGET ABOUT LOVE.
4. Take Me Out contains a bit of sexual innuendo.
You know, it’s on at a family-friendly time, you don’t want to be crude because the viewer ends up feeling like they actually need a wash afterwards, etc.
Stand by Your Man is JUST sexual innuendo, like…
5. Take Me Out contains improvised dancing.
Tacky as hell, but you’re on your second bottle of wine so you don’t care.
Stand by Your Man contains many scenes of women dancing and looking so awkward you feel like you’re lost in a nightclub in Milton Keynes.
6. On Take Me Out any girl can go on a date with a guy if the girl doesn’t turn off her light and the guy chooses her.
On Stand by Your Man the bloke who gets the most girls queuing by him gets the date at the end of the show.
This reinforces the idea that the only way you’re going to find love is by being the hottest, dropping the right sexual innuendos in the right fashion, and being the one other people seem to find the most genuinely attractive.
Is there any room for finding love with just that one person and not giving a toss about what anyone else thinks? No. There is not. And this makes you mad.
7. On Take Me Out the people who like each other go on a romantic date on the Isle of Fernando’s.
While on Stand by Your Man they go for a… curry. A CURRY.
Stand by Your Man is on Channel 5 on Fridays at 11.30pm.
You have been warned.