99 Things You Should Never Say To An English Person

Is there an English person in your office, or have you met an English person on the street right now? Here’s what you shouldn’t say to them under any circumstances.

1. “OMG are you from England?”
2. “You are from England! OMG. This is so exciting.”
3. “I love English people. I just love English people.”
4. “I love England. I’m like, a huge fan of The Office.”
5. “I love England. I’m a huge fan of the Daily Mail website.”
6. “Have you met the Queen?”
7. “Have you met Stephen Fry?”
8. “Kate Middleton is such an inspiration to me.”
9. “What do you think about Kate Middleton?”
10. “How many times have you met Kate Middleton?”
11. “Kate Middleton’s life story is so inspiring.”
12. “Where were you when Kate Middleton’s baby was born?”
13. “Do you know where Kate Middleton purchases her clothes?”
14. “Kate Middleton! Kate Middleton! Kate Middleton! KATE MIDDLETON!”

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15. “You’ve spelt that wrong. It’s realized not realised!”
16. “You’ve spelt that wrong. It’s liter not litre!”
17. “You’ve spelt that wrong. It’s flavor not flavour.”
18. “You’ve got the weather all wrong. It’s Fahrenheit not Celcius!”
19. “The weather in your country is so bad isn’t it? It is always raining.”
20. “This must be a heat wave to you. How do you cope?”
21. “Your accent is so cute.”
22. “OH MY GOD THE WAY YOU JUST SPOKE WAS SO CUTE.”
23. “The English way that you just ate those crisps is so cute.”
24. “The way that you just breathed in and out was so cute.”
25. “I just want to put you in my pocket. My English slave.”
26. “You’ve just said the word ‘malarkey.’ THAT is so English.”
27. “How many people do you know have an English accent?”
28. “Which hotel are you staying in?” (You’ve lived abroad for four years.)
29. “You’re really cute. I’ve always wanted to date an English person.”
30. “Your accent must get you so many dates.”
31. “Oh c’mon, you’re English! You must get so many date requests.”
32. “OH C’MON! You’re just saying that you don’t get many dates! YOU MUST GET SO MANY DATE REQUESTS!” (This debate for about half an hour, consisting of you denying that you have been on a date because you haven’t been on a date).
33. “Where in England do you live?” (You tell them exactly where you live in England. They have a confused facial expression.)
34. “OK… So which city do you live nearest to?” (You tell them the nearest biggest town or city, which has a population of at least 100,000 people).
35. “So what part of England is that in?” (You use a nearby map to point them toward the part of the U.K. that you actually live).
36. “So you live near London right?” (Even if you live near the Scottish border, you just give up and nod because you have lost the will to live).
37. “I know a Mr. and Mrs. Michaels from England? Do you know them?”
38. “They happen to live in London! Mr. and Mrs. Michaels!” (Your facial expression to them is a complete blank but they ignore this.)
39. “They live down Cherry Tree Lane? They have a son called Matthew?”
40. “Matthew? A clarinet player in the school orchestra? You must know them.”
41. “C’MON YOU MUST KNOW THEM! HE PLAYS THE CLARINET!”

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42. “You English people are all the same.”
43. “I know a lot about England. My parents are from England!”
44. “My grandparents have been to England!”
45. “My best friend’s mother Rachel passed through Heathrow Airport in 1974!”
46. “One of my friends went to Hungary last year and they stopped over in Paris!”
47. “I once watched a television show when everyone went to Paris!”
48. “My colleague Jon lives in England. He lives near Cherry Tree Lane in London. They know Mr. and Mrs. Michaels who have a son called Matthew. He is the lead clarinet player in the school orchestra. Do you know them?”
49. “How many times a day do you drink tea?”
50. “You guys have an obsession with tea right? Without it you’d, like, DIE.”
51. “Do you all sit down and drink tea at the same time?”
52. “Which sort of china cups should we buy? You’re such an expert on this.”
53. “Tell us all of the ways that we’re making tea wrong. It’s milk first followed by sugar, right? Do you then add the hot water and then mix in the tea?” (The person you are talking to right now has never made tea in their life.)
54. “I’ve dipped this teabag into this mug several times. Is that how I do it?”
55. “You English people always pronounce words really incorrectly.”
56. “You pronounced aluminium differently! We pronounce it aluminium.”
57. “You pronounced yoghurt differently! We pronounce it yoghurt.”
58. “Can you translate this sentence for me from English to American for me?”
59. “That is so funny. Read this sentence out loud.”
60. “THAT IS SO FUNNY. Now read this sentence out loud.”
61. “Tell me your opinions on Margaret Thatcher. I know that some of you guys are not fans of Margaret Thatcher, so I just want to get the record straight.”
62. “I really quite like Margaret Thatcher.”
63. “What do you really think of Piers Morgan?”
64. “You guys can take Piers Morgan back we don’t want him HAHAHA.”
65. “I really quite like Piers Morgan.”

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66. *Whispering* “Is it true? That English people have bad teeth?”
67. *Loudly* “IS IT TRUE? THAT ENGLISH PEOPLE HAVE BAD TEETH?”
68. “Sweets in England are no where near as nice as American sweets.”
69. “What is a Yorkshire pudding? I have no idea what it is.”
70. “So you have something called ‘Sunday roasts’, right? Are these the English equivalent of an American Thanksgiving dinner, but every week?”
71. “Do you go to a school like the one in Harry Potter?”
72. “Have you ever read Harry Potter? You should; you’ll really like the book.”
73. “Has Sherlock ever solved a crime for you or any of your friends?”
74. “Is Downton Abbey is a documentary?”
75. “Top of the morning guv’nor, apples and pears. Apples and pears.”
76. “Do people eat apples and pears in England?”
77. “Please, sir, can I have some more?”

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78. “You English guys are just so funny.” (You haven’t said anything funny.)
79. “DRIVING ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE ROAD, GUYS.”
80. “Is Tony Blair still prime minister?”
81. “Excuse me?”
82. “Sorry?”
83. “Say that again.”
84. “No, I didn’t catch that.”
85. “Nope. I still didn’t get it.”
85. “Nope, sorry.”
85. “Huh? Sorry?”
86. “What?”
87. “WHAT?”
88. “What are you saying?”
89. “No I’m sorry. Say that again.”
90. “Speak slower.”
91. “Speak s-l-o-w-e-r.”
92. “Speak slllllloooooowwwweeerrrrrr.”
93. “…” (blank facial expression)
94. “I don’t understand what you are saying, please say that again.”
95. “What do you mean?”
96. “Errrrrrrmmmmmmmmm… OK.”
97. “OK, I’m going to give you a notebook and a pen. If you could write down what you were trying to tell me then I would be very much appreciated.”
98. “OH JUST STOP. JUST STOP TALKING. WHY WON’T YOU STOP TALKING?”
99. “Are you single?”

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