4 British TV Programmes That Are Quite Dull But Weirdly Addictive

Including a show where people have to drive long distances in a lorry.

1. Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers.

channel5.com / Princess Productions

You turn this on, for a few minutes, just to see what the fuss is about.

“This will be so shit”. You sit there feeling rather smug. “I will turn it over so fast.”

But then the narration kicks in: “From north to south, east to west, Eddie Stobart’s trucks travel the nation.”

channel5.com / Princess Productions

You learn that they have contracts to help with flights and Britain’s railway network.

That sounds boring doesn’t it? Well not when you hear it by the narrator: “THEY’VE MASTERED THE MOTORWAYS AND ROLLED ON THE RAIL. NOW THEIR AMBITION GOES SKY-HIGH WITH MORE INTERNATIONAL DESTINATIONS THAN EVER.”

You start rubbing your thighs. You think “why am I rubbing my thighs?”

Then they unleash maps showing their destinations.

channel5.com / Princess Productions

channel5.com / / Princess Productions

 

Look at this CGI! Look at those wiggly bits dancing across the screen! Look at the lines following all of those wiggily bits dancing across the screen!

Now you’re getting really excited: “Just where are they going right now? JUST WHERE WHERE WHERE?”

You then start paying attention to the narrator. “Oh. Three garden centres in Cornwall.”

Even their fact files are jazzed up to the max.

channel5.com / Princess Productions

Fact: A factory in the show burns the equivalent of 10,750,000 haggis a year.

Fact: Every Gigaspace lorry has got space for a foldaway pillow.

But then, a twist. This driver can’t seem to find exactly where to go in this out-of-town industrial estate.

channel5.com / / Princess Productions

!!!!

Another is driving in wet conditions.

channel5.com / / Princess Productions

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coming up: will this man be able to drive a tanker to Carlisle in the middle of the night?

channel5.com / Princess Productions

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Significant spoiler alert: Yes he does.

channel5.com / Princess Productions

See? He’s driving on a better lit a-road nearer the depot.

This is not an exaggeration. This was an actual plot on Eddie Stobart.

2. Nothing to Declare shows that border security is an incredibly exciting and thrilling place to be, as this flashing photoshopped sign will now highlight.

Scott Bryan / BuzzFeed

It’s a programme that deals with all of those people who go through customs in Australia. You tend to flick on to this show on one of the digital channels (it seems to be on the entire time). You don’t really know why you’re watching it, you just do.

But then you realise that the show just consists of this.

youtube.com / Nothing to Declare / Pick TV

Conclusion every episode: they aren’t usually here for tourism purposes.

And this: “are you bringing any food into Australia?”

Nothing to Declare / Pick TV youtube.com

You, sitting, eating chicken, shout “YOU DON’T BRING FOOD INTO AUSTRALIA.”

3. Police Interceptors.

Why do you watch this show? Well, firstly the fact that you get to make a snarky remark to the person sitting next to you about how our speed chases in Britain are nothing compared to speed chases in the United States (obviously). Secondly, it’s on Channel 5 every six minutes or something so you literally can’t miss it.

Thirdly, their “confidential” officer profiles.

LIKES: SPONGEBOB. HATES: STRESS.

Why is this file confidential? Who exactly are they hiding it from?

LIKES: AUSTRALIA. HATES: FLYING.

God sitting next to him for 24 hours on a flight to Australia (with optional stop-overs in Dubai, Singapore or Los Angeles) must be a right laugh.

LIKES: FAKE MOUSTACHES. DISLIKES: PUBLICITY.

To be honest I would go undercover if I admitted my love for fake moustaches.

And finally? You learn the fact that there is a virus in Essex which causes a lot of people’s faces to be blurred.

This is a serious medical condition and not a very tired observational joke.

4. Tipping Point.

itv.com / RDF Television

The concept of Tipping Point is this: four contestants answer questions. If they get a question right, they get a token. When they get a token they can choose what slot to put the token into. The token then lands on a table and could potentially push other tokens out a slot at the bottom.

What does the slot machine look like? It looks like this.

itv.com / RDF Television

IT’S THE MACHINE FROM SEASIDE ARCADES.

Matt3756 / youtube.com

As a TV show. For an entire hour. On ITV.

But then you get enticed by their action replays.

itv.com / RDF Television

You comment to yourself: “good coin action there. That was a very strategic.”

And the “nailbiting” bit when they are so close but lose.

itv.com / RDF Television

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES OH.

And some of the incredibly intense questions.

itv.com / RDF Television

This is television. This is literally television.

itv.com / RDF Television

However, if you’re keen to watch Tipping Point right now you’ll be disappointed.

It has been replaced by a gameshow where Andi Peters asks questions to people on seats, and if they are eliminated they fall off the back of their seats.

Ejector Seat / ITV itv.com

Ejector Seat / ITV itv.com

 

Oh Andy.

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