1. Eddie Stobart: Trucks and Trailers.
You turn this on, for a few minutes, just to see what the fuss is about.
“This will be so shit”. You sit there feeling rather smug. “I will turn it over so fast.”
But then the narration kicks in: “From north to south, east to west, Eddie Stobart’s trucks travel the nation.”
You learn that they have contracts to help with flights and Britain’s railway network.
That sounds boring doesn’t it? Well not when you hear it by the narrator: “THEY’VE MASTERED THE MOTORWAYS AND ROLLED ON THE RAIL. NOW THEIR AMBITION GOES SKY-HIGH WITH MORE INTERNATIONAL DESTINATIONS THAN EVER.”
You start rubbing your thighs. You think “why am I rubbing my thighs?”
Then they unleash maps showing their destinations.
Look at this CGI! Look at those wiggly bits dancing across the screen! Look at the lines following all of those wiggily bits dancing across the screen!
Now you’re getting really excited: “Just where are they going right now? JUST WHERE WHERE WHERE?”
You then start paying attention to the narrator. “Oh. Three garden centres in Cornwall.”
Even their fact files are jazzed up to the max.
Fact: A factory in the show burns the equivalent of 10,750,000 haggis a year.
Fact: Every Gigaspace lorry has got space for a foldaway pillow.
But then, a twist. This driver can’t seem to find exactly where to go in this out-of-town industrial estate.
Another is driving in wet conditions.
Coming up: will this man be able to drive a tanker to Carlisle in the middle of the night?
Significant spoiler alert: Yes he does.
See? He’s driving on a better lit a-road nearer the depot.
This is not an exaggeration. This was an actual plot on Eddie Stobart.
2. Nothing to Declare shows that border security is an incredibly exciting and thrilling place to be, as this flashing photoshopped sign will now highlight.
It’s a programme that deals with all of those people who go through customs in Australia. You tend to flick on to this show on one of the digital channels (it seems to be on the entire time). You don’t really know why you’re watching it, you just do.
But then you realise that the show just consists of this.
Conclusion every episode: they aren’t usually here for tourism purposes.
And this: “are you bringing any food into Australia?”
You, sitting, eating chicken, shout “YOU DON’T BRING FOOD INTO AUSTRALIA.”
3. Police Interceptors.
Why do you watch this show? Well, firstly the fact that you get to make a snarky remark to the person sitting next to you about how our speed chases in Britain are nothing compared to speed chases in the United States (obviously). Secondly, it’s on Channel 5 every six minutes or something so you literally can’t miss it.
LIKES: SPONGEBOB. HATES: STRESS.
Why is this file confidential? Who exactly are they hiding it from?
LIKES: AUSTRALIA. HATES: FLYING.
God sitting next to him for 24 hours on a flight to Australia (with optional stop-overs in Dubai, Singapore or Los Angeles) must be a right laugh.
LIKES: FAKE MOUSTACHES. DISLIKES: PUBLICITY.
To be honest I would go undercover if I admitted my love for fake moustaches.
And finally? You learn the fact that there is a virus in Essex which causes a lot of people’s faces to be blurred.
This is a serious medical condition and not a very tired observational joke.
4. Tipping Point.
The concept of Tipping Point is this: four contestants answer questions. If they get a question right, they get a token. When they get a token they can choose what slot to put the token into. The token then lands on a table and could potentially push other tokens out a slot at the bottom.
What does the slot machine look like? It looks like this.
IT’S THE MACHINE FROM SEASIDE ARCADES.
As a TV show. For an entire hour. On ITV.
But then you get enticed by their action replays.
You comment to yourself: “good coin action there. That was a very strategic.”
And the “nailbiting” bit when they are so close but lose.
YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES OH.
This is television. This is literally television.
However, if you’re keen to watch Tipping Point right now you’ll be disappointed.