1. Never disturb one of these. You will die HORRIBLY.
2. You feel pain when it is called “York University”.
Who calls it York University? The media, your relatives and all future employers.
3. You feel lonely in September because everyone else starts University weeks before you actually do.
4. When you first thought about coming to York, you saw a picture of Heslington Hall which made you think that all of it looks likes something like this.
5. Then you get here and you slowly realise that you are living in a 1960s Milton Keynes concrete festival.
6. You then start admiring this huge WTF 1960s concrete / nuclear mushroom cloud spaceship.
You graduate in it, wearing gowns just as grey as the building itself.
7. Then there’s the lake, which you hate when frozen because you want to walk across the ice but can’t.
Why do you want to walk across the lake? Because it would make your commute across campus approximately 400 times quicker. But why shouldn’t you walk across the lake? Because if you do you will die horribly.
8. You learn that very few York students are from the North.
Do you encounter many Yorkshire accents? Not really. Maybe the taxi drivers that take you home at the end of a club night perhaps. Everyone is from Sussex.
They could have built it two and a half miles closer.
So convenient. So very, very convenient.
10. It could be worse. You could live in Halifax.
Clarification: The writer of this piece went to Halifax College.
11. But no need to worry, you could always rely on this Courtyard sign to that tell you what is on.
It always looks like this: SHFGFJRB THE WORLD DHDKD DJ 8PSKFJFMF.
12. Or you can walk to The Retreat to try to work out what this sign means (it has been here forever).
13. You get used to hearing this about York Vision.
14. You get used to hearing this about Nouse.
It also takes you about a year to learn that it is pronounced news, not noose.
15. When Roses takes place in York you think…
So many athletes. So many rugby lads. So many people getting naked at 4pm.
Plus we beat Lancaster. Why? Because York > Lancaster.
16. When you go to the library (which looks like a cheesegrater) you see other people talking to each other instead of studying, you have the confidence to shout…
You then, smugly, tuck into a slightly overpriced pick’n’mix from Your:Shop.
17. You realise that there’s no point having a single vodka and mixer when you can have a TREBLE.
Doubles are for weak people.
18. There’s no point going to a dry nightclub when you can go to one where water starts dripping DOWN THE WALLS.
If you have graduated you should know that it is no longer called Ziggy’s.
Gallery is also called Kuda and Toffs has been renamed Tokyo after being called Tru.
21. But Greg Dyke and geese are not as important as this.
Those prawn crackers > any kebab in the world.