1. Close BBC Four.
2. Close BBC One.
3. Close BBC Two.
4. Close the BBC News Channel.
5. Close the BBC World Service.
6. Close CBBC.
7. Close BBC Alba.
8. Close Broadcasting House.
9. Get rid of all of the overpaid management.
10. Get rid of all of the overpaid talent.
11. Get rid of all the microwaves.
12. Get rid of all the fun.
13. Get rid of the licence fee and replace it with a subscription service.
14. Get rid of the licence fee and replace it with a subscription service faster, by cutting it with a pair of really quite sharp scissors.
15. Film Doctor Who in a quarry again, just like in the good old days.
16. Close BBC Scotland. They might go independent any minute.
17. Replace all of BBC Four’s programmes with some black and white footage of some Scottish ports, accompanied with the sound of light jazz.
18. Replace all of BBC Four’s programmes with Mariella Frostrup saying the word “arts”, whilst the camera pans to a woman and a man with a serious facial expression about to say something serious. Nobody will notice.
19. Replace BBC Three with some youthful Netflix digital Instagram shit.
20. Replace BBC Three with thinkpieces saying that Netflix digital Instagram shit are the future.
21. Put the same property show over and over, as each episode is the same.
22. Put the same episode of Flog It over and over, as every episode is the same. I mean it just consists of two sets of people wearing very loud jumpers, going round a building to buy and sell some absolute tat.
23. Just record 15 minutes of BBC Breakfast each day and repeat it. “Hello I’m Bill Turnbull. I’m sitting here on a sofa at an angle. Here are the headlines. Look at these newspapers. I’m dropping one and then another on to the table. We never look inside these newspapers. Now the news and traffic news in your area (a road you’ve never been down is blocked due to a burst pipe).”
24. Get rid of the local TV reports in your area, but keep the ones in the area where your parents grew up. You like watching the bulletins in the area where your parents grew up because it makes you feel all nostalgic.
25. Put CBBC back on daytime BBC. It just feels so empty otherwise :(
26. Oh wait no we can’t do that, that costs money. Delete CBBC forever.
27. Replace all of BBC Two with James Martin cooking (note from the Editor: they have already done this).
28. Replace all of BBC Four with a giant void.
29. Replace all programming on BBC Two with Mary Berry’s delighted facial expression. You feel proud as you like Mary Berry’s face.
30. Replace BBC Two with broadsheet newspaper critics disappointed at the news that The Great British Bakeoff is heading to BBC One.
31. Replace all of BBC Two’s content with the future of journalism, which primarily consists of many people going to a conference and shouting “CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT” followed by everyone paying £1465.
32. Replace all programming on BBC Two with Paul Hollywood’s sex eyes.
33. Expand the Great British Bakeoff to literally cover everything.
34. The Great British Facebook Event ‘Maybe’ Response.
35. The Great British *INSERT JOKE HERE* starring Claudia Winkleman.
36. Close CBeebies. Babies don’t even know where the control is.
37. Close BBC 1Xtra. It’s not upper-middle class enough.
38. Replace Strictly Come Dancing with Claudia Winkleman.
39. Replace Radio 2 with Steve Wright saying “love the show” on loop.
40. Replace BBC Newsnight with Kirsty Wark dancing with Chumbawumba.
41. Get rid of all of BBC One’s Saturday night National Lottery gameshows.
42. Fire all of BBC One’s Saturday National Lottery gameshows into the sea.
43. Make firing all of the National Lottery gameshows into the sea into a National Lottery gameshow, premiering on Saturday nights.
44. Fire the commentators you don’t like on Question Time into the sea.
45. Buy lots of National Lottery tickets, especially the Thunderball draws.
46. Replace the licence fee with a really expensive subscription service.
47. Replace the licence fee a really really expensive subscription service.
48. Replace the subscription service with a charity bucket located at the WHSmith in M3 Fleet Services.
49. Replace the charity bucket with Janet Street Porter, dancing. Just for you.
50. Axe the licence fee. Licence fees are like really, really, bad, according to all of these newspapers I’ve read.
51. Replace BBC Parliament with tweets from political people saying that they are getting turned on, by watching a repeat of the entirety of the BBC’s General Election coverage from 1974.
52. Replace BBC Parliament with pornography.
53. Once CBeebies has closed for the day, start pay-per-view CBoobies.
54. Make sure you open CBoobies +1. This is important.
55. Replace BBC Radio 4 with BBC Four.
56. No you can’t replace BBC Radio 4 with BBC Four. That doesn’t make sense. You have already gotten rid of BBC Four.
57. But BBC Four might be saved! Not all of the things in the list are going to get cut by the BBC. This is just a list of suggestions of stuff that should be cut.
58. Yes, I know that number 57, but BBC Four is the number thing that is mostly likely to be axed if the BBC has to save any more money. There’s no point of replacing Radio 4 with BBC Four. That is a very silly idea.
59. Oh yeah, I humbly apologise. Note to the person who is editing the article, please take some time to remove number 55 and the following 8 points.
60. Replace BBC Three with Janet Street Porter looking at a shit hot website.
61. Replace Janet Street Porter with youthful Netflix Instagram shit.
62. Replace BBC Four with a fax machine.
63. Replace this column with a fax machine.
64. FFFWWWWWOOO FWWWWOOOO FWWWWOOOO DU DU DU DU DU
65. NEEEEWWWW NEEEWWWW NOOO NOODFFF
66. NEEO BEEE BEEEEEE NOOOO BBOOOPPPP BVOOOPPEEP
67. NOOOPPPPP NNNNOOOOPPPP NOOOPPPPPPP
68. No that won’t work, a fax machine doesn’t know Mariella Frostrup.
69. Replace BBC Parliament with a column running out of ideas.
70. “Hello I’m Mariella Frostrup welcome to a show about industrial ports.”
71. Make everyone at the BBC wear jumpers. That heating has got to go.
72. Put Nick Robinson inside the studio instead of 10 Downing Street during the evening news broadcasts. Surely everyone has gone home for the day.
73. Put everyone to bed after BBC This Week has been broadcast. Surely the alcohol bill must be enormous.
74. Put everyone who tweets during Question Time on the National Grid. The anger and heat exchanged during that hour can power a billion homes.
75. Get rid of BBC Two during the daytime and replace it with a testcard.
76. A testcard that sounds like MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
77. Has that girl’s eyes moved? No I swear that girl’s eyes have just moved.
78. How old is the girl in the testcard anyway? Where is she right now?
79. Okay scrap idea number 75 onwards because I don’t like testcards.
80. Get rid of all of the car bits in Top Gear because everyone is just waiting for the exciting fun (probably) fake bits.
81. Get rid of last ten minutes during those nature documentaries when they show ‘behind the scenes’, because even though the people look lovely we’re only really watching this documentary for Attenborough’s voice.
82. Get rid of all the political shows on Sunday morning. Quite honestly, who is up at that time? Sundays don’t exist till 11am in my eyes.
83. Remove all of the clocks at the BBC News Channel (which has already been closed by the way, I don’t want even more confusion) so they don’t know how long the news is supposed to last for. This means less news.
84. In fact, just get rid of the news. Just replace it with the countdown.
85. You know when you turn it on to the news at the top of the hour and it is just the FULL MINUTE BBC COUNTDOWN? Watching it you feel like an winner.
86. Replace the news with the opening bit of the news bulletin when they show an empty office too, particularly late at night when there is no-one there.
87. Okay so I’ve now drunk quite a lot of wine now.
88. Maybe if I start hacking at the keys nobody would notice.
90. Go through all of the history of the BBC and delete all crap stuff.
91. NO I AM NOT RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS.
92. STOP ATTACKING MY JOURNALISM.
93. THIS IS A COLUMN.
94. FULL OF IDEAS.
95. IDEAS THAT ARE ENDING.
96. VERY SOON.
97. OH GOOD WE THERE YET?
98. OKAY GREAT.
99. ONE HUNDRED.
100. Replace everything in this article with an actual ideas about how you can save the actual BBC from going into a meltdown, as 101 are hard.
101. Donkeys on rollerskates.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›