1. Guys. Dating a vampire would be awful.
Don’t be fooled by the sexiness. It’s a terrible decision.
2. Mackin’ it with literally any other paranormal critter is a better idea than getting it on with a vampire.
3. Even, like, Swamp Thing. He’s a doctor, an environmentalist, super tall and entirely vegetarian.
4. Swamp thing also absorbs sunlight, rather than catching on fire and dying immediately.
Or doing this.
5. Satyrs are the mythological sidekicks of Dionysus, Greek god of wine and partying, so they know how to have a good time.
6. You know who can’t get drunk? Vampires.
Any dude who prefers a pint of your vein gravy to some merlot is no keeper.
7. Shapeshifters are awesome and can turn into anything you want.
8. Vampires are stuck with the same body forever. Warning: may result in an immortal zit.
9. Ghosts are low-maintenance partners— they don’t need food, or water, or shirts.
10. And there’s plenty of ways to be intimate with a ghost that don’t involve bleeding out on your duvet.
11. Think of all the movies you could sneak into with the invisible man! All the awesome pranks you could pull together!
13. Mermaids require a bit more maintenance—like hanging out in the bathtub, and at the beach.
14. Which beats hanging out in crypts and dungeons all the time.
16. Compare that to vampires, who, being legally dead and nocturnal, can’t hold down a job more ambitious than overnight stock boy. Or blogger.
17. Most importantly, all of these creatures have one thing in common.
- Prosecutors will seek the death penalty for Dylann Roof, accused of killing 9 people in a Charleston church in June. ›
- Kentucky clerk Kim Davis has been taken into federal custody until she orders her staff to issue marriage licenses. ›
- Tom Brady's four-game suspension by the NFL following the "Deflategate" scandal has been overturned by a federal judge. ›