1. You feel obligated to look and act like a soccer fan.
Everyone’s doing it.
2. You are pressured into going somewhere in public to watch the games.
I recommend a bar for this.
3. Every “fan” is like this:
They’ll try to get you excited, too. Ew.
4. And you try to keep up for a little, but you end up like this:
You’re the smart one. You win in this situation. Get those z’s, gurrrrrl. Get em.
5. This is what normal soccer fans see during the game:
Action! Running! Falling! Kicking! Scoring! Other words!
6. But your mind is focused on other, more important issues:
Like how did this even happen and who’s going to save him?
7. Just when you think it’s over (YAY), they get extra playtime at the end, and everyone is all:
Cuz apparently one minute isn’t enough?!?! OH.MY.GOD.
PS. I say “extra playtime,” because I don’t know what it’s actually called. Nor do I care.
8. But at least by that time, you’re in a happier place:
Sports are mostly about drinking, right? Or is drinking a sport? Probs both.
9. People will be pissed no matter what the outcome, and they’ll try to talk to you about it. They’ll reference names and certain moments, and you’ll be like:
You also STILL DON’T CARE. Don’t lie to yourself.
10. And don’t forget that even when you’re done watching, every single one of your social media accounts will be flooded with gibberish about sports.
You can’t escape it. This is your nightmare.
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