1. Nothing from The Marina Abramovic Institute
For $10,000 gifted to this performance and education center, “Marina will do nothing. You will do nothing. You will not be publicly acknowledged.”
2. Your name shouted into the heavens from FLASH.IT
The founders of this project want to see their LED climbing wall at this year’s Burning Man. For $25 or more, one of the team’s “dedicated climb-gen-eers” will “scream your name in elation as they finish a climbing route and fall back down to the pad, and then mail you a sticker.” They’ll send you a video as proof.
3. A wild boar feast from Omnivore Salt
A $10,000 investment in this budding salt company gets you “authentic, Sicilian cooking at your own private sit down dinner.” You can treat 12 people to “a multi-course wild boar roast” featuring “all-in-season ingredients and a handmade pasta course.”
4. A new ringtone from Heart & Soul, Flesh & Bone
Singer-songwriter Andrew Osenga wants to produce four separate EPs, and, for $125, this can happen: “I’ll make you a CUSTOM RINGTONE where I will sing YOUR NAME and tell you to ANSWER YOUR PHONE ALREADY!! Fully produced. With guitar solo.” You’ll also have your name in the credits, a t-shirt, and a bunch of other stuff.
5. A comic about you from the creator of Let’s Be Awkward Together
Elaine Short, the comic book artist behind this collection-in-progress of awkward stories, will, for $75, make “a comic about you, just you, emailed to you as a PDF to spam all of your coworkers and as a high resolution tif to print if you choose.”
“You can send a story about a loved one to give as a gift, or send a story about something special in your life you want to commemorate,” Short says. “You can also send an awkward story; I’m really good at those.”
6. “God of the Dwarves” status in the video game DwarfCorp
For a mere $10k, you’ll be granted title of “Mysterious Benefactor.” Then, “in the game, the Dwarves will refer to you as their deity. They will sing songs in your honor.” Awesome.
7. A tiny song from Carsie Blanton
For $500, you get a tiny song. “You provide the topic, I provide the wit and panache,” Blanton says. “I will congratulate you, write you an anthem, give you advice on your love life, or reprimand you, in song, per your instructions, in 30-60 seconds.”
8. Goat landscaping from Flying Goat Farm
Do you live near Sanford, Maine, and have a lot of land? The good people of Flying Goat Farm will provide “a day of goat landscaping and brush clearing provided by our team of goat kids and dry yearling does” for just $100. If you didn’t know, goats are good lawnmowers.
9. A zombie death scene from the makers of “Adam & Paul Save the Whole, Entire Apartment Complex”
Donate $3,500 and— “HEY! ASSOCIATE PRODUCER! YEAH WE’RE TALKING TO YOU! That’s right, you’re one of us now. You get an associate producer credit for Season 1. Not only that, but you get to be a featured zombie WITH A DEATH SCENE. Bust out your best acting chops and die your best death!”
Plus a meet-and-greet or a personalized song.
10. A fluffy pancake how-to from Grub Street Grackle
Put $500 toward the cause of relaunching this literary magazine and receive the Cacophanous Cluster package, which includes a lifetime subscription and your name in a “most honorable place of honor” on the copyright page. In addition, you’ll learn “to make the fluffiest pancakes in the world.”
11. Your name tattooed on the creators of Hoots Beer Co.
Have you always wanted to brand someone with your name? Is your name particularly hilarious? (These people should take note!) For $5,000, the guys behind Hoots Beer Co. will get a tattoo of your name and their owl logo, they say, “in recognition of your generosity and assistance in making our dream come true.”
12. 2.5 ounces of gold filet mignon beef jerky from The Three Jerks
The Midas Touch package is yours for $1K: “23 Karat Gold Filet Mignon Beef Jerky. You will receive a custom packaged box with 2.5oz of the worlds first and only edible gold filet mignon beef jerky.”
13. An extravagant restroom experience from The Bathroom Beacons Crew
If you’re going to this year’s Burning Man, $250 will get you “Red Carpet Portaservice.” This means that one of the Beacons’ “handsome concierges will find a nice stall for you, fill it with TP, air it out with air freshener, and stand guard keeping the potty-razzi at bay while you do your business.”
14. A 2-3 minute documentary from the makers of Gennadiy
“Have a story you’ve always wanted to tell through film?” Any story. A story about your pet cockatoo, or the guy in your building who always takes your parking spot. Anything! For $10,000, the team will fly “anywhere in the USA to film one full day and put together a 2-3 minute mini-documentary of the story of your choosing.” A Canon C300 will be used, with US travel expenses covered.
15. Be a chef for a day with Top Chefs Jennifer Biesty and Tim Nugent
For just a $300 donation, you can play kitchen with Bravo’s Top Chefs Jen and Tim. Go to the farmer’s market! Help them make a dish for the restaurant that night! It could be anything from anchovy ice cream to cactus fruit compote. It’s up to you.
16. Matches (to burn your old boxers) from Sheath Underwear
While serving in the deserts of Iraq, a US Army soldier came up with an idea for men’s underwear that “provides package isolation from between the inner thigh region” and “significantly reduces in the need to readjust.” For $5, you’ll get “positive karma” and a handwritten thank-you note inside a Sheath matchbook, which you are encouraged to use to burn your lesser underwear.
17. A private bedtime story telling for your children from the Bedtime Anthology creator
Those in the Long Island area can, for $100 donated to the project, be treated to a live performance of A Bedtime Anthology in your living room right before bedtime, “with the option of inviting a few friends to the slumber-related party.” A Skype performance can also be arranged at this donor level, which also includes a digital copy of the album and picture book, and a custom typatune (a kind of musical typewriter) recording of your name or any phrase.