17. “Thou smell of mountain goat.”
Origin: Henry V
Occasion: You offer someone the last digestive…and they say yes.
16. “You talk greasily, your lips grow foul.”
Origin: Love’s Labour’s Lost
Occasion: When every American you meet tries out their English accent on you.
15. “That kiss is comfortless as frozen water to a starved snake.”
Origin: Titus Andronicus
Occasion: When your partner comes home drunk from the pub.
14. “Have your mouth fill’d up before you open it.”
Origin: Henry VIII
Occasion: You’re surrounded by fools who insist on using the wrong pronunciation for “scone.”
13. “Thou are sick in the world’s regard, wretched and low, a poor unminded outlaw sneaking home.”
Origin: Henry V
Occasion: When faced with an inconsiderate commuter.
12. “I do desire we may be better strangers.”
Origin: As You Like It
Occasion: Someone insists on telling you their life’s story on the underground…
11. “There is no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune.”
Origin: Henry IV, Part I
Occasion: … and TFL lied to you about how long the journey would take.
10. “You are not worth the dust which the rude wind blows in your face.”
Origin: King Lear
Occasion: When you can’t cross Waterloo Bridge because tourists are too busy taking selfies to walk.
9. “Go to hell for an eternal moment or so.”
Origin: The Merry Wives of Windsor
Occasion: Your favourite burger restaurant is infested with hipsters after an online review.
8. “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.”
Origin: Richard III
Occasion: When another one of your Facebook friends announces their engagement.
7. “Thou art a most notable coward, an infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise breaker…”
Origin: All’s Well that Ends Well
Occasion: When a politician breaks yet another election promise.
6. “Hide not thy poison with such sugar’d words.”
Origin: Henry IV, Part II
Occasion: When the UK is robbed of Eurovision glory because of tactical voting.
5. “Thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows.”
Origin: Troilus and Cressida
Occasion: The anger you experience after reading the Daily Mail.
4. “Thou monstrous injurer of heaven and earth!”
Origin: King John
Occasion: UNEXPECTED ITEM IN THE BAGGING AREA
3. “Bloody, bawdy villain! Remorseless, treacherous, lecherous, kindless villain!”
Occasion: When Spencer Matthews cheats on yet another one of his girlfriends.
2. “More of your conversation would infect my brain.”
Occasion: Trying to stay calm when people refer to the U.S. version of House of Cards as the original.