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The Best Worst Celebrity Poetry

Remember that phase when you wrote awful, sentimental poetry? Some celebs never grew out of it.

1. Suzanne Somers’ poetry collection features the typical “large photo of the poet” cover.

From the titular poem: “Touch me / In Crowds / When a single look says everything / In solitude / When it’s too dark to even look / In absence / When I reach for you through time and miles.”

2. As does Alicia Keys’, which is titled “Tears for Water.”

The beginning of “Caged Bird”:
“Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
So much joy and revelry
They don’t know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don’t know what they’re doing to me
Keeping me from flying”

3. Ally Sheedy wrote her 1991 collection while in rehab.

From “On the Road”:
“brighter and brighter every day
calmer
my insides slosh about like a nauseous ocean
it takes great gulps of air
words from religious books
and Diet Cherry Coke to quiet the sound”

4. Kate Moss also wrote poetry while kicking a drug habit.

Danny Martindale / Getty Images

It’s a limerick: “Please let me tell you in brief / what has always been my belief, /
Though you may have a passion / for beauty and fashion, / What matters / is what’s underneath.”

5. When Rosie had a heart attack last year, she wrote a poem called “my heart attack.”

Alberto E. Rodriguez / Getty Images

The message is a good one; why she made it a poem isn’t clear:
“i did not call 911
50% of women having heart attacks never call 911
200,000 women die of heart attacks
every year in the US

by some miracle i was not one of them
the next day i went to a cardiologist
the dr did an EKG and sent me to the hospital
where a stent was put in

my LAD was 99% blocked
they call this type of heart attack
the Widow maker
i am lucky to be here

know the symptoms ladies
listen to the voice inside
the one we all so easily ignore
CALL 911

save urself
xxx”

6. Britney wrote a poem about K-Fed during like all that whatnot.

Kevin Winter / Getty Images

Formally speaking, it’s somewhat mystifying:
“The guilt you fed me
Made me weak.
The voodoo you did
I couldn’t speak.

You’re awakening
The phone is ringing.
Resurrection of my soul
The fear I’m bringing.

What will you say
And what will you do?
She’s not the same person that you’re used to.

You trick me one, twice, now it’s three.
Look who’s smiling now
Damn, it’s good to be me!”

8. Remember when this was a thing?

Alberto E. Rodriguez

9. Jen was so in love with John she wrote a poem called “Lucky in Love.”

Jason Merritt

It does a lot of rhyming a word with the same word: “Lucky in love, lucky in love / Didn’t forget me when I asked you to leave me / Didn’t forget me / Now you’re alongside me / You’ve brought luck to love / I’ve been hit by a truck in love”

10. John was so impressed by the proverbial “truck” that was her poem, he reportedly set it to music.

Ethan Miller

Cannot believe they didn’t work out.

11. When Pamela Anderson graced the cover of “Playboy” for a record 13th time, the magazine also published a poem she’d written.

It’s very unique: “The youth / The wild that rose up from the ashes. / The adults / Living and dead that fought for our rights / Artists / Sweet artists / Hold on / Crazy, the world goes on / And goes …”

13. A young Ronald Reagan composed a poem called “Life” in 1928.

Here’s how it opens: “I wonder what it’s all about, and why / We suffer so, when little things go wrong? / We make our life a struggle, / When life should be a song.”

14. What, did the Gipper just touch your soul?

Yeah he did.

15. J.J.Redick got super deep in his verses.

Willie J. Allen Jr. / AP

Here’s an untitlted gem from July 2004, in full:
“No bandage can cover my scars
It’s hard living a life behind invisible bars
Searching for the face of God
I’m only inspired by the poems of Nas
Because the truth has carved my life’s patterns
The reality of pain, and the joy of laughter
My hopes and dreams shattered
by the miscalculation of my own situation
It’s difficult to keep my nerves patient
Facing the forecast of fears
that none of my peers have ever been faced with
I wanna reach the top floor, but I’m stuck in the basement
With not enough juice to burst through
the chains that have shackled my brain
It seems my dreams have carried me to a separate peace
apart from reality
Society is allowing me to grow into the man I’m destined to become
But how can I move when my entire skeleton is numb?
Numb from the obstacles that I’ve been given
Suddenly the bars connect to walls
and I find myself contained inside life’s prison”

Sports Illustrated has many, many more.

16. It’s not surprising James Franco publishes poetry.

He played Ginsberg. He’s probably enrolled in at least three poetry MFA programs.

17. His collection came out last year. It’s titled “Strongest of the Litter.” This is actually its cover.

18. It even includes a poem about filming “Spring Breakers”

“I’m the experienced actor, / I am a teacher. When I acted in Spring Breakers / My character was the teacher / And the young Spring Breakers / Were the students from hell, / The materialistic demons / From today’s celebrity age.”

20. And of course Charlie Sheen (self) published a poetry book.

Frederick M. Brown

21. Here it is:

The question that arises is whether he’s misspelled “piece” intentionally…

22. He even read from it during his meltdown.

23. Bet you know how he feels about his poetry.

24. Jewel also opted for a punny title.

Unsurprisingly, it’s angsty stuff:
“I’m writing
this letter to tell you
I don’t love you anymore.
I don’t miss you.
I never have.
The truth is,
I tried, but never found
your adoration
anything other than arduous…”

25. But perhaps no celebpoet is as prolific as Leonard Nimoy.

He often opts for sparseness. Here’s a one called “You Fill Me With Your Love”

“You fill me
With your love
You fill me

With your caring
You fill me
With your thoughts

You fill me
With your sharing”

26. These aren’t even all of his books.

 

Hopefully you notice the pattern, title-wise.

27. Never stop writing, celebrities.

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