14 Essentials For The Modern Bachelor Pad

What every man needs in his first adult apartment.

Want to turn your house into a home and impress your guests? Here’s what you need:

1. A REAL Bed

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That's right, fellas, sleeping on a mattress dumped on the floor isn't gonna cut it anymore.

2. A Box of 1,000 Condoms

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If you're gonna have fun, you gotta be safe. And you can save money by buying in bulk!

3. A Toilet Brush

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It might seem silly, but your guests will notice a clean toilet. And they'll be impressed.

4. Throw Away 500 Of The Condoms

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A thousand condoms is an awful lot. Having that many condoms around is just going to jinx you out of ever having sex.

5. A Proper Dinner Table

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No more eating in front of the TV. Get a table.

6. Throw Away Another 250 Condoms

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If you think about it, even 500 condoms is a lot. Who even has sex 500 times? Not you — having these condoms in your house is bad luck.

7. A Garbage Can For All Those Condoms

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Don't leave them just strewn about. Throw them in a real garbage can and bury them under some other garbage so nobody sees them.

8. A Writing Desk

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You're not using those condoms; might as well get some writing done.

9. A Bigger, Second Garbage Can

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You guessed it: It's time to throw away more 150 more condoms. They're just sitting in your nightstand, staring you right in the face, saying, "Hey, look at all 250 condoms you bought and you haven't used even a single one. You're pathetic." You don't need that. Downsize to a manageable 100 condoms.

10. A Couch? Guest Towels? A Plant? None Of It Is Helping You Use Those 100 Remaining Condoms

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Who buys condoms in bulk? What did you do to yourself? You were so overconfident about how much sex you were gonna have that now you're having none.

11. A Drink Cart

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You'll probably be home drinking by yourself a whole lot while you're busy not using any of those condoms.

12. Condom Holder aka Another Garbage Can

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Throw away every condom but one. The last one is to remind you of the hubris that once led you to purchase 1,000 condoms.

13. Also Throw Away That Last Condom

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You need a fresh start.

14. A Three-Pack of Condoms

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Now this is a manageable way to start your adult life.