I recently asked members of the BuzzFeed Community about their dating woes to see, if I, a guy who has NEVER been in a relationship, could help them out.
I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to try anyway.
Here are my best attempts at giving (bad) advice for their romantic woes:
1. This girl, whose love life might truly be DOOMED.
Dear Sam,
I'm a total "end of the world" paranoid prepper. My whole basement has food stores and I have a bug-out bag in my room and my car, and I've learned how to turn dirty lake water into drinking water. In a nutshell, I'm a little out there, and I have been unsuccessful in finding my Daryl Dixon doomsday partner. My worst fear is that I will end up single when the apocalypse comes — and be the only one of my friends without a kid or significant other. So I have decided to "retry" and date my single exes. It usually goes like "OMG, why did we ever break up?" for the first two months, to "Wow, and that is why you're single" very quickly thereafter. Can you help me break this cycle?
Sincerely,
Apocalypse I Need A Boyfriend Now
My advice:
Dear Apocalypse,
While most of us are worried about being single for Valentine's Day, you're thinking bigger picture, and I love it. But what we have here is a classic "deuces" problem: two issues mixed into one.
Listen, when doomsday comes, it doesn't MATTER whether or not you're boning anyone — the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse are coming for EVERYONE'S asses, single or not. In fact, it's probably better if you stay single, because it's OBVIOUSLY easier to outrun zombies alone as opposed to with a group. You at least need to date someone who you wouldn't mind tripping and sacrificing so you could escape the horde of zombies/demons from hell/other creatures that are chasing you.
That being said, you should NOT be going back to your exes to repeat your mistakes (unless they're super hot, in which case, by all means, head on back or at least pass them my way). Essentially, you're getting your own sloppy seconds, which you're TOTALLY better than and is also gross.
TBQH, you've got some super awesome life skills that I think dudes would totally be into. You're clearly a badass. I'm not sure how "loud and proud" you are with your doomsday prepping tendencies, but I 100% believe you should be not ashamed and talk about it all the time. Worst case scenario, it scares off the guys who would be pansies in the case of a zombie apocalypse; best case, you find a guy who is HELLA cool just like you and you'll find your demon-hunting Romeo.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
2. This girl, who might be the first person EVER to benefit from L.A. traffic.
Dear Sam,
I just got out of a serious two-year relationship about two months ago. I have no idea how to even start dating in this crazy city! [Note: She lives in L.A.] I'm also the worst at talking to guys.
I recently had a super cute guy hit on me while I was driving. I kid you not, we hit three red lights together on Sunset. It took me a solid five seconds before I came up with a fake name, and then I picked "Melinda," not even a good one. Hope that brings you a laugh, and if you could offer some general advice into casual conversation with men that would be greatly appreciated. Also, if you know any funny guys that are tall and lanky but fit, feel free to send them my way.
Sincerely,
On The Road To Love (But There's Traffic)
My advice:
Dear Road To Love,
Did you know that road crashes cost every U.S. citizen $820 a year? Now that we've got that romantic statistic out of the way, let's talk about your missed connection that also luckily was a missed car accident.
What's interesting is that this chance encounter taught you everything you need to know about talking to guys. You NEED to unleash the inner Melinda in you. Melinda is a sexy, give-no-fucks, take-charge badass chick who lands dates with whoever she damn pleases. Just like Beyoncé has Sasha Fierce, you have Melinda. She can't be tamed, so don't waste your time trying. Channel Melinda when you want to talk to guys. You need to LIT'RALLY become her — dress like her, act like her, think like her. Remember, you shouldn't be nervous to talk to guys because THEY'RE nervous to talk to Melinda because she's a stone-cold fox. Also, it helps to take a shot before dates, and when in doubt, talk to L.A. guys about how Leo TOTALLY deserves an Oscar by now. They'll love that.
If you REALLY want to get into character, consider legally changing your name to Melinda. Just don't let her get behind the wheel — she sounds like a terrible driver.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
3. This guy, who has a solid romance cooking — except it doesn't taste so great.
Dear Sam,
Hey there! My boyfriend and I are pretty happy but for one thing...
He thinks he's Rachael Ray but he's more like McDonald's status! His cooking tastes atrocious, but I don't have the heart to tell him.
He tried making vegan stir fry and I ended up with uncooked noodles and burnt tofu. Please help!!
Sincerely,
I Can't Stomach This Love
My advice:
Dear Stomach,
One word: Seamless.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
4. This girl, whose roommate drama is now her romantic drama.
Dear Sam,
So my roommate is my best friend in the entire world. She has been single her entire life, but has a crush on an athlete at our school. Neither one of us had ever talked to him before I got a job working at the campus recreation center where his team practices and plays. Personally I always thought he was kind of full of himself, but after a few interactions I decided to try and befriend him so that the two of them could meet and possibly hit it off.
My plan has 100% backfired. The more I talk to him the more I realize he is an amazing guy. He is funny, sweet, caring, motivated, and just the right bit of awkward. About a month ago a co-worker of mine who knows the guy told me that they thought he might have a crush on me. I brushed it off, but recently out of nowhere he has been hardcore hitting on me.
As much as I would like to see where things go I don't want to hurt my roommate, so I stopped responding. Because I am home for break I have not seen him in two weeks, but he still sends me funny snaps and texts and says he hopes I am enjoying spending time with my family.
My roommate has no idea what is going on. I go back to school in a few days and am afraid he might say something about it in front of her. I never flirted with him so I have not done anything wrong. Should I tell her? I don't want to crush her first "love" and honestly think they would make an amazing couple if he got to know her. HELP!
Sincerely,
There's Only Room For One
My advice:
Dear Room,
Ah, the classic advice column bait-and-switch. Is your roommate the one who needs help, or am I giving YOU the advice? The answer, of course, is you (unless I'm totally wrong and it's not).
OK, I'm going to be frank here: There is going to be a winner and a loser in the race for this Awkward Romeo's heart, and LBH, you've already won, because this dude doesn't even know who your roommate is. Plus, this guy sounds like the total package: awkward, an athlete, AND he has a job (so he has $$$MONEY$$$). So here's what you have to do: In the words of Gretchen Wieners, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY JUST STAB CAESAR.
In theory, you could crush your romantic feelings for this guy and not go for it, but we all know you don't want that. And you ALSO could sneak around with this guy, but unfortunately, single people are crazy (take it from me, I'm low-key insane) and your roommate WOULD find out and probably stab you in your sleep or something like that, and then you'd be dead, which would suck. You just need to lay it all on the table, let your roommate know both of you have fallen for this guy, and that's the way things are. That way, you're not lying, you get the guy, and your roommate will get over it fast enough, which she probably will because she kind of sounds like a pushover and this will teach her a lesson (and if she doesn't, who cares about her anyway).
Also, this sounds like a romantic comedy starring Channing Tatum as a way-too-old-to-be-a-college-student hunk, with Emma Stone and Taylor Swift as the roommates, right?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
5. This girl, who might not even be looking for The One.
Dear Sam,
I seem to start finding all these annoying things the guy does. Like, we'll be having a good time for a few weeks, hanging out, laughing, etc. Then all of a sudden, I'll start to notice his laugh is too loud, he walks too heavy, he breathes with his mouth open, he chomps on his gum, he makes weird sucking noises at night. And then I just start to lose all respect for the poor guy, just because I don't like his laugh. So I end up saying I'm not ready for a relationship and run in the other direction.
Sincerely,
Looking For The One, Just Not That One
My advice:
Dear Looking For The One,
I mean, I would find a lot of these things annoying too. Like, who chews on their gum THAT loud? It's fucking rude, and those people need to be stopped.
Anyway, you and I are what people call "commitmentphobes." People like to describe us as flighty, flaky, and always looking for excuses to NOT be in a relationship, when in reality, we're fucking hot, there really is never anyone good enough for us, and we OWN it. I mean, how many people are out there that are perfect enough for you and me? Not many.
I won't apologize for having standards and taste when it comes to dating, and you shouldn't either. The problem is, you really can't do anything but watch and wait when you're in your situation! You can't force it, because inevitably you'll just keep dating duds. And the last thing you want to do is lower your standards. When you do that, you'll wake up one day only to find yourself married to a guy named Bill who likes to wear cargo shorts, with three kids who won't listen to you, a house in the suburbs, and a minivan. It's a nightmare waiting to happen.
Buy a good vibrator, keep your eyes open for The One, and like a lioness stalking her prey, watch and wait. You'll find your man meat in no time.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
6. And finally, this girl, whose boyfriend "might be Norman Bates" (her words, not mine).
Dear Sam,
So my on-again, off-again boyfriend of almost a year and I had been going really really strong lately. Until his mother started to get weirdly affectionate and shit hit the fan. Now, I'm not used to this "close" family atmosphere, so I basically just need validation. For starters he enjoys going and having long chats with her while she's in the bath. Like at least 10 minutes long. Like why could he not wait to talk to her? Does he need to go in and have that personal time with her? And for the record, if you are in their bathroom you can absolutely see what's going on in that tub.
Next up, she is constantly commenting on how nice and big his butt is. Multiple times. Always saying she doesn't want to move from being next to him because his butt is so nice and comfy. She basically sits on him. Maybe I'm crazy (please just put me in my place and tell me I'm being a cray cray girlfriend), but being proud of how good-looking your kids are is GREAT, but when it's that specific it seems odd to me.
Lastly, the back rubs. When we are watching TV she always slips in a "Oh, my back's so sore from work" and of course he's happy to oblige, which isn't even the problem. The problem comes from the When Harry Meet Sally moans she lets out.....help! Should I just move on since I can't seem to handle their "closeness"?
Sincerely,
His Mother Knows Best (Perhaps Too Well)
My advice:
Dear Mother Knows Best,
1. Avoid taking showers while she is home.
2. This is INSANELY weird, but like, that's family for you. This is 100% not you, and it's normal to be freaked out by this. But it sounds like this guy is a keeper and worth fighting for so, YOLO, you may as well try and salvage this. Here's what you should do:
DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT confront your boyfriend about this. If there is one thing we can agree upon, it's that men are stupid. He'll take your pleas the wrong way, get defensive, and defend his mother. I GUARANTEE IT. You need to confront Big Momma head on. Next time you hang out with her, bring an air horn and blow it every time she gets "too physical" with her son (there is also an air horn app for iPhones, if that makes things easier for you). She'll catch the drift pretty quick.
Actually, I'm kidding with that idea (except not really, consider doing it). The mom probably isn't going to change, your man will get defensive if you ask for help, and humanity is doomed. DUMP HIS ASS, otherwise you're going to end up being featured on the next season of Serial.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sam
And as always, email me your dating problems at sam.stryker@buzzfeed.com and you too could be featured in next month's edition of "The Bad Advice Column"!
Note: These letters may have been edited for style and length.