Email: the preferred method of communication of office workers across the world, allowing for instant communication.
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BUT WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. And time after time, mankind has proved it is not capable of correctly yielding the almighty tool that is “reply-all” for emails.
1. The problem is, people really, REALLY like to hear the sound of their own voice. Even if they actually aren’t technically speaking.
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2. OCCASIONALLY they might have something intelligent to say.
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3. But more often than not, you’d get a more coherent response if you spilled alphabet soup on your computer screen.
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4. Like literally, making a third Hangover was a better idea than any time anyone has hit “reply-all.”
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5. You know how it happens when you receive that first email. You hope — nay, you PRAY — that people will have the courtesy to not reply-all. But deep down, you know it will all be in vain.
6. When you get the first reply-all email, you know that the floodgates have opened. IT’S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE.
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7. And then they come, email after email, with each being even more mind-numbing than the last.
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8. The worst part is, everyone ACTUALLY thinks what they have to say is important. Spoiler alert: IT ISN’T.
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9. And then when someone asks, “Oh, did you see that thing in the email?” you’re all like NOPE.
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10. God forbid you should have your phone turned on to have email alerts, because it is going to be vibrating off the hook like a fucking earthquake.
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11. Email after endless email will flood your inbox. If you had a penny for every one of these emails, you would have a lot of pennies. A FUCK TON OF PENNIES.
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12. If you are able to, you’ll pull the trigger and hit “mute,” removing yourself from the anarchy of the reply-all chain.
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13. But sometimes you have to stay on the thread for who knows what reason, and you’ll have to ride it out like the maelstrom of bullshit it is.
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14. And just when the thread has gone quiet, and you think it is all over, someone will reply-all and start the vicious cycle all over.
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15. Basically, reply-alls are like a fucking hydra. You cut one head off, and three more grow in its place.
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I mean, imagine a glorious world where reply-all didn’t work. Everything is beautiful, and nothing hurts.
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Editor, 2009 Prom King of New Canaan High School
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