Snakes Are The Most Badass Animals On Earth

They’re FANGTASTIC.

1. First of all, they’re f*cking everywhere.

Well, almost.

2. They are stone cold SOBs. They literally NEVER blink.

Because they don’t have eyelids, duh. They physically cannot lose a staring contest.

3. Snakes are also like, really, really pretty.

 

From left, an emerald tree boa, an eyelash pit viper and an eastern coral snake. GORGEOUS, LADIES.

4. They actually shotgun all of their food.

Snakes can unhinge their lower jaw so they can eat prey up to five times as wide as their mouth.

I MEAN WHO EVEN KNOWS WHAT THE HELL THIS ANACONDA JUST ATE.

5. Craziest of all is the egg-eating snake.

 

This little guy will swallow an egg whole and spit out the shell when it is done digesting the nutrients. Talk about a boot and rally!

6. Larger snakes like anacondas and pythons DGAF and will eat deer, wild pigs, caimans, and even jaguars.

These meals are so big that after chowing down, the snake does not have to hunt for several months or up to a year. Talk about a food coma!

7. Also, anacondas are big. Like, the biggest snakes in the world.

8. Hold the phone. We have a longer snake on our hands.

Phil Noble / Reuters

The reticulated python is the longest snake in the world, cracking the 30 foot mark. THAT IS A LOT OF SNAKE.

Sort of like how human saliva glands secrete saliva, rattlesnakes have glands in their mouths that secrete toxins.

9. Then there is the king cobra, WHICH IS FRICKING HUGE.

Eighteen feet long to be exact, which makes it the longest venomous snake in the world. The king cobra can also raise a third of its body off the ground. Which means at up to six feet tall, the king cobra would make a perfect Victoria’s Secret model.

10. Oh, and one bite from a king cobra is enough to kill an elephant.

11. And you probably haven’t heard of the Inland Taipan, but you should. One bite from this bad boy has enough venom to kill 100 men.

12. And a bite from a black mamba has a 95 percent fatality rate.

The good news? You’ll be dead within 20 minutes. Oh, and don’t even think of running. Black mambas are the fastest snakes on earth and can move at speeds of just under 13 miles per hour. Which is probably way faster than you.

13. Spoiler Alert: Some snakes don’t even need to bite to hurt you.

Spitting cobras can hit a target from up to eight feet away with venom that causes blindness. They aim for your eyes, and almost NEVER miss.

14. And FYI, some snakes can FLY.

National Geographic / Via youtube.com

OK, so flying snakes can’t *actually* fly. But they can glide from tree to tree at distances over 300 feet AKA THE LENGTH OF A FOOTBALL FIELD. And they can change direction in the air.

15. Then there is the sidewinder, which has the illest dance moves.

The sidewinder moves sideways (duh) across the desert in order to conserve energy and minimize contact with the hot sand. Groovy!

16. Watch out for the gaboon viper, who is a sneaky little bugger.

National Geographic / Via youtube.com

They have a special camouflaged skin and wait for their prey to pass by … so they don’t even know what hit them before it is too late.

17. And these bad boys are large and in charge.

National Geographic / Via youtube.com

Gaboon vipers can weigh up to 20 pounds (!!!!!!) and have RETRACTABLE fangs that can be up to TWO INCHES LONG.

18. The moral of the story: Snakes rock.

Walt Disney Pictures

Walt Disney Pictures

 

Because they’re awesome, Indy. That’s why.

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