1. A dating app that actually works.
2. A dating app for people you actually want to date.
3. A dating app for people you actually SHOULD date.
4. A dating app for people you actually SHOULD date, and can bring home to mom.
5. A restaurant that only serves parties of one, so it isn’t embarrassing to eat out.
6. Trader Joe’s but just for single people so you don’t see couples shopping.
7. A bar that only serves single people.
8. A bar that only serves single people who aren’t douchebags.
9. A mandatory tattoo people have to get on their head if they are going to break your heart.
10. Goggles that won’t allow you to see PDA.
11. Perfume/cologne that will only attract other single people.
12. Netflix but for finding a boyfriend/girlfriend.
13. An app that generates excuses for why you are single.
14. Tindstagram, a mashup of Tinder and Instagram.
15. Cupcakes that make you look sexy when you eat them.
16. Pizza that makes you look sexy when you eat them.
17. A gym, but just for single people.
18. An app that generates texts to your crush for you.
19. An app that generates SEXTS to your crush for you.
20. An app that translates texts from your crush.
21. An “Idiot’s Guide” for single people.
22. A badge for people who are single so you can recognize fellow singles in public.
23. A national holiday for single people.
24. A pill for moms to take so they don’t ask why you’re still single.
25. A pill for moms to take so they don’t ask when you are finally getting married.
26. A pill for moms to take so they don’t ask when you are finally having kids.
27. Netflix, but only for films/movies that will make you feel empowered about being single.
28. A scale that doesn’t weigh you but tells you if you’re ready to even BE in a relationship right now.
29. An app that alerts you if you might have just met “The One.”
30. An app that alerts you if you might have just met someone who might even be a passable date.
31. A website that coaches you on what to say on a first date.
32. A bedroom that magically cleans itself up if you need to bring home an overnight guest.
33. Bed sheets that NEVER get dirty. ;)
34. A magical boombox that follows you and plays “Single Ladies” whenever you are having a bad day.
35. A magical elixir that makes you less awkward around people you are attracted to.
36. A robot that punches anyone in the shoulder whenever they tell you “someone is out there for you.”
37. A dating app just to find someone who will go with you to weddings.
38. A magical device that silences people when they try to set you up with any old weirdo.
39. A phone that alerts you in advance when someone hot will show up to your favorite bar.
40. A body pillow that actually will cuddle back with you.
41. An alert in your closet that goes off if you try to leave the house in an embarrassing outfit.
42. A shirt that corrects your posture whenever you are out on a date.
43. An app that alerts you if you have food in your teeth on a date.
44. Dating resumes that you have to bring to first dates.
45. Wine that automatically chills itself for when you had a bad day.
46. Earplugs that tune out your friends in relationships when they start talking too lovey-dovey.
47. Discounts at restaurants for single people.
48. Actually, discounts EVERYWHERE for single people.
49. An online quiz that actually tells you who you legitimately should be dating right now.
50. An app that filters out all the wedding and engagement pictures on Facebook.
51. An app that filters out all the baby pictures on Facebook.
52. Actually, an app that filters out all traces of people having romantic relationships on Facebook.
53. A phone that double-checks with you before you text your crush something embarrassing (you don’t).
54. A magical device that makes you look how you look on Instagram in real life.
55. A magical device that makes you sound as funny as you do on Twitter in real life.
56. Boot camp, but for learning how to flirt.
57. A yearly bonus and trophy for being single, because you are a SURVIVOR.
- And President Obama actually made his daughters laugh at the annual White House turkey pardon. ›