16. Russian Accents
Imagine Vladimir Putin whispering sweet nothings into your ear. If that doesn’t kill your sex drive, I don’t know WHAT will. OK, so Russia has churned out a few spectacular hotties through the years, but their accent will leave your privates colder than a Siberian winter. MOVING ON…
15. Polish Accents
Poland has produced an AMAZING pope (Hey, JP2!) but perhaps unsurprisingly, the Poles’ accents aren’t exactly panty-dropping. It’s fine! Enjoy a kielbasa and bask in the hotness of your Polish babe.
14. German Accents
Germany: Where the cars are good, the beer is even better, but the accents are not so sexy. Yeah, Germany has produced its fair share of hotties you’d want to spend a day at Oktoberfest with, but let’s be honest, you’d rather watch them stuff their face with a pretzel than hear them try to talk dirty to you, right?
13. Greek Accents
As everyone knows, the Greeks produced the first-ever hottie in human history, the legendary warrior and Grade-A stud Hercules. Unfortunately, the only thing worse than the Greeks’ economy is their accents. But it’s all good, because the Greeks are still producing regulation hotties.
12. Dutch Accents
You can smoke all the weed in Amsterdam you want, but it still won’t be enough to make Dutch accents sound THAT sexy. They’re not bad accents; rather, they just won’t have you quaking with desire in your wooden clogs, or even enough to make your tulip bulb sprout prematurely. BUT WHO CARES, because the Dutch are still friggin’ hot.
11. Swedish Accents
Despite being cold as fuck and having wild polar bears roaming the snow-covered streets of Stockholm for most of the year, Swedish people are HOT HOT HOT. Why the low ranking on this list, you ask? Simply put, their accents sound the way a Volvo drives: smooth, but not exciting.
10. Austrian Accents
Austrian accents are like a less formal German accent. It can still come across as stern and powerful, which may be your thing, but what about when you want to be caressed as sweetly as an apple strudel? Sorry, Austria, but you’ll have to settle for No. 10 on this list.
9. Spanish Accents
Yeah, Spanish accents are objectively HOT, but at the same time, they’re still a bit overrated. Like, it’s hot but not THAT hot. They’re good at bullfighting, and soccer, and tennis, so I think the hotties of España will take this in stride.
8. Welsh Accents
Have you ever heard a Welsh accent? Probably not, which is a damn shame. While their British neighbors may get all the love, the Welsh have a pretty amazing accent that is sure to delight your aural senses. Go ahead, give your closest Welsh hottie a listen. They may even make you feel a little… sheepish.
7. Portuguese Accents
You kind of want to sail to the New World with the closest Portuguese hottie, don’t you? They’re not just good for “discovering” new continents and kicking a soccer ball around. They’re also cunning linguists, and for that, they deserve our undying attention.
6. Italian Accents
The Italian accent is the pizza of accents: How can you not like it? Every syllable is like a glob of fresh mozzarella, just waiting to be swallowed by your hungry ears. And just like pizza, you know you want more than one slice. You want to be STUFFED.
5. English Accents
British accents should be EVERYONE’S cup of tea, that’s for damn sure. I mean, what’s not to like? Everything just sounds CLASSIER when Brits talk. I mean, Downton Abbey is practically porn for your ears.
4. Scottish Accents
The Scottish may STILL be searching for that goddamn Loch Ness Monster, but they’ve found one of the sexiest accents in all of Europe. It’s almost TOO easy to Skyfall for this accent, if you catch my drift.
3. Swiss Accents
Wild card alert! You won’t be able to maintain your neutrality around a Swiss hottie, if you know what I mean. The only thing silkier than Swiss chocolate is their accents, and unlike their cheese, it doesn’t have ANY holes. It’s PERFECT.
2. Irish Accents
Pop quiz: Would you rather listen to an Irish accent all day, or have a pint of Guinness? WHY NOT BOTH. It’s impossible to NOT get lucky with an Irish accent, and you’ll want to do more than just kiss their Blarney Stone.
1. French Accents
I mean, are you surprised considering the French practically invented romance? French accents are like a warm baguette for your ears, and we want them CARBS CARBS CARBS.