1. Two attractive foreign blonde girls checking into a haunted hotel? This should end well.
2. Two minutes in, and our first fisheye lens? Yup, this is American Horror Story.
3. OMG, screw the deposit. You do not want to check into this hotel!
4. Kathy Bates saying, "This place will grow on you" is horror story speak for "There's no chance you're checking out of this hotel alive."
5. But maybe she'll let you leave a review on Yelp before you're murdered?
6. THIS PLACE DOESN'T HAVE WIFI? Honestly, I would ask to be murdered on the spot.
7. Oh, don't mind the creepy lady steaming the blood-stained sheets. Just keep on going, and get your ice.
8. Honestly, is there anything scarier than creepy kids? It's like, "We'll eat our boogers while we watch you die."
9. If you smell a dead body in a haunted hotel room…there's probably a dead body in the haunted hotel room.
10. HOLY SHIT I WASN'T READY FOR THAT ZOMBIE.
11. He kind of looks like hungover me the morning after I've had one too many gin and tonics, TBH.
12. Oh great, the opening credits which will give me nightmares for the following week.
13. Kathy Bates seems pretty chill considering a zombie just showed up in her hotel. But she's Kathy FUCKING Bates, so I guess it makes sense.
14. How have these chicks not left? We're not even 10 minutes into the show, and they've made more bad decisions then I have in the last month. And that's saying something!
15. Honestly, can Lady Gaga just show up to murder one of them already?
16. OMFG CREEPY TWINS FEEDING ON ONE OF THE BLONDE FOREIGN CHICKS. Welcome to America, I guess?
17. Honestly, the blind guy missing his tongue with the dead girl on top of him is like, the best argument for abstinence-only sex education, right?
18. This might be the most disgusting scene I've ever watched on television. And I've watched a lot of Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.
19. Aw, Wes Bentley seems like a pretty good dad and a nice guy. Which means he's definitely going to die.
20. Ah great, a really creepy phone call. This is why I let everything go to voicemail.
21. Room 64 seems like a happening place. And by happening I mean "grisly deaths occur here regularly."
22. YAAASS SARAH PAULSON COME THROUGH. Now all we need is Lady Gaga.
23. Wait, is that the guy from New Girl getting high? He looks like he needs a shower.
24. OMG no, creepy housekeeping lady again. This is about to get messy (pun intended).
25. CRAP New Girl junky is getting drilled by the creepy monster with the drill dildo. And I bet he didn't even "clean up" before!
26. Or use poppers!
27. Sarah Paulson is creeping me out right now. And at least 50% of the reason is her hair.
28. Liz Taylor sashaying down the hallway is giving me so much LIFE right now!!! Come through!
29. HOT COP DO NOT GO INTO THIS HOTEL ROOM!!!
30. Hot cop do not lay down on that bed! You do not know what just happened there! And we don't know if creepy housekeeping lady even got a chance to wash the sheets!
31. God dammit, shouldn't these creepy kids be in kindergarten or something? Where is their mother? Or maybe they're being homeschooled.
32. OMGaga. The queen — or should I say COUNTESS — is here!!!
33. Matt Bomer's butt. Matt Bomer's butt. Matt Bomer's butt.
34. I feel like they're a little dressed up to just be going to the movies? But they're Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer, so they can do no wrong.
35. Like, these two are going to get murdered, I think we can all agree on that. But they get to be murdered AFTER having an orgy with Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer, so I'd call it even.
36. OMG this sex scene! How are Matt and Gaga even real people?!?
37. Like, I think they were engineered in some laboratory or something. They aren't real. They're too perfect.
38. I feel like the lyrics in the background — "I want to tear you apart" — are foreshadowing…
39. OH there it is. Wow, there's a lot of blood.
40. TBH, I would be honored to let Lady Gaga and Matt Bomer drink my blood. But that's just me.
41. OMG, Lady Gaga saying "call housekeeping" is the best thing to happen to me in 2015.
42. Wes Bentley and Chloë Sevigny are the most perfect indie acting couple ever.
43. That being said, if Chloë Sevigny made me a quinoa casserole for dinner…I would skip it and go out to eat too.
44. OMG the foreign twins are alive! The demon children left them alive. So they have manners.
45. Yikes, Kathy Bates is making them the smoothie from hell. Oysters? Liver? EW. Although I bet it tastes better than most of the juice cleanses you can get in L.A.
46. Hmmm, looks like there's some tension between Sarah Paulson's and Kathy Bates' characters. But what they're REALLY arguing about is who is going to get the Emmy!
47. When Sarah Paulson tells you to run, you run. And you never look back, even to save your fellow blonde friend.
48. How did she run right into Lady Gaga??? She was standing RIGHT there in the entrance in a white gown. YOU COULDN'T MISS HER. Blonde foreign chick deserved to die!
49. That girl is eating with the special chopsticks with the rubber band and paper wad. That's me. I am SO bad with chopsticks.
50. Yeesh, this is why you don't text at the dinner table, you might get a message from your wife to save her and you won't be able to finish your sushi!
51. Of course the random cop decides to walk away from hot cop's daughter! And of course she decides to walk into the creepy house alone.
52. Fuck, it's that creepy caller guy again! He really needs a cough drop or something, his voice sounds AWFUL.
53. Of COURSE the little girl walks into the room with the dead guys hanging from the bedposts. How long into this season is it going to take for ONE character to make a good decision?
54. Hmmm, Holden looks like one of Lady Gaga's demon children. And this is a flashback. AKA something bad is going to happen here. And really, nothing good happens in Santa Monica.
55. Oh, hot cop (probably) checks his Facebook Messages for FIVE seconds and loses his kid. This is why you should never install Facebook Messages on your phone.
56. Honestly, I love Chloe Sevigny, and I know camel is supposed to be "in" right now, and I know her daughter just saw two dead bodies, but that sweater is doing NOTHING for her.
57. OMG yes it's the realtor from Season 1! And Cheyenne Jackson! This season is going in HARD?
58. Wait, is she talking about it raining in L.A.? That's the real American Horror Story.
59. And why is she talking about putting her dog down right away? She's like, the Debbie Downer of realtors.
60. Any kid with that haircut is TROUBLE. I don't care if his dad is Cheyenne Jackson or not.
61. OMG evil Kathy Bates didn't know about the hotel sale? This is about to turn into the worst episode of Million Dollar Listing EVER and I am so here for it.
62. Alright, is it just me or would anyone else watch JUST a show of evil Kathy Bates and Liz Taylor? Maybe, like a road trip reality show?
63. I think everyone's dream is to accidentally walk into a room where Matt Bomer is sleeping sans clothes.
64. When Lady Gaga offers you a drink…you take the fucking drink!
65. Why does everything Lady Gaga say sound like she's about to murder you? And how can I learn to talk like that?
66. What father leaves their kid alone with Lady Gaga?! This guy is NOT winning any father of the year awards, that's for damn sure.
67. Wait…this game room is amazing. My hair is already the right color, can Lady Gaga adopt me to be one of her vampire kids too?
68. LADY GAGA, ADOPT ME.
69. OMG it's Holden! We found Holden! Someone tell the hot cop.
70. Wait, Kathy Bates is Matt Bomer's mom? Talk about a helicopter mom!
71. FLASHBACK. Shit, someone is about to die. Or at least make some bad fashion choices.
72. FYI evil Kathy Bates, sometimes you just have to let your son get high with crazy Sarah Paulson and learn his lesson.
73. I don't care if you're Sarah Paulson, you just need to learn how to put on lipstick right. And that's not the way to do it.
74. Holy shit, evil Kathy Bates just pushed crazy Sarah Paulson out of the window! Kathy does NOT fuck around!
75. And notice how when Sarah hit the pavement, it sounded like a tortilla chip cracking? Thanks for ruining Doritos for me, AHS.
76. "Your boy has a jawline for days." JUST HAND LADY GAGA THE EMMY NOW, DAMMIT.
77. Oh, hot cop is leaving his family. I'd cry tears, if they hadn't already been scared out of me by Lady Gaga.
78. AND HE'S CHECKING INTO THE HAUNTED HOTEL CORTEZ?
79. And he's staying in the demon monster Room 64? I swear to the television gods, what is wrong with all these characters?
80. SMDH, and the last lyric that plays from "Hotel California" is "You can checkout any time you like, but you can never leave." These characters cannot make one good decision. I'm DONE.
81. Well, until next week's episode.