79 Thoughts Everyone Who's Written A Dissertation Has Had

[curser blinks on blank document screen]

1. All right, think of something you want to write 12,000 words about.

2. There is NOTHING I want to write 12,000 words about.

3. Can I write 12,000 words on different snack foods?

4. Probably not.

5. Wait, the deadline's not till June???

6. That's like, forever away.

7. I could get this polished off by February and have three months off.

8. OK, so it's February.

9. What am I writing about again?

10. I should probably do a quick Google Scholar search.

11. FUCK FUCK FUCK THAT'S TERRIFYING.

12. WHY HAS SO MUCH BEEN WRITTEN ABOUT THIS ALREADY?!

13. OK, that's it for today.

14. What are these authors even talking about?

15. Is this relevant?

16. Yes.

17. Oh, wait, no.

18. Hey, you know what, I actually agree with this one.

19. Can I just rewrite what they said?

20. I mean, if I said I had never seen this book before, no one could prove otherwise, right?

Via studentbeans.com

21. Actually, this is the one I agree with.

22. No, sorry, the first one is better.

23. But the second one has a stronger argument.

24. Can I write 12,000 words pretending I believe something I don't?

25. Fuck it, I'm going to bed.

26. If I write 300 words a day, every day, I'll have this in on time.

27. Three hundred words is like nothing, after all.

28. This is a great plan.

29. Such a good plan.

30. You know what, I think I'll just take today off and write 600 words tomorrow to make up for it.

31. That'll be just fine.

32. OK, 500 words a day, that's just fine.

33. That's like...one page a day.

34. Pages are really small.

35. I can do a page a day, absolutely no worries.

36. I am the Organization King.

37. So organized.

38. Such a great plan.

NBC

39. Wow, I sure dropped the ball. 1000 words a day is it.

40. Or maybe 1,500.

41. You know what?

42. Just sit down, and do some fucking work.

43. Two thousand words a day.

44. Oh, no.

45. Ah, sweet Jesus, my brain feels like brisket.

46. Why did I choose this topic?

47. I hate this topic.

48. Is it too late to change?

49. OF COURSE, IT'S TOO LATE. Stop thinking like that.

50. Stay strong.

51. Think of all the wine you can drink when it's over.

52. I am literally...

53. ...the world's leading expert...

54. ...on whatever the fuck I'm writing about now.

55. Eleven thousand words. I'm the master of education.

56. I should probably back this up somewhere.

57. Google Drive, that sounds like a good idea.

58. GOOGLE DRIVE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

59. WHERE HAVE YOU PUT MY BEAUTIFUL BABY???

60. GOOGLE?!?!

Disney

61. OK, 12,000 words, and I'm finally done.

62. Oh God, the bibliography.

63. I'm clearly right. Why do I need to provide evidence?

64. Do I need to back this up?

65. Probably not.

66. How do you even reference?

67. What is a reference?

68. You're a reference.

69. There's no way on earth I'm paying for binding.

70. The staple won't go all the way through.

71. Oh God, there's a line forming.

72. Maybe if I hit the stapler it'll go through.

73. AH, GOD, MY HAND!

74. OK, I'm going to hand this in.

75. That was underwhelming.

76. Like, is that it?

77. I expected fireworks or trumpets or something.

78. Really?

79. That was it?