1.
Thrilled to announce that my hair is at its peak today! Its the exact perfect distance from having had a haircut and needing a haircut.
2.
Sam Smith: "[sings entirety of 'Stay With Me']" Other Guy: "Okay, no offense but now I'm def leaving."
3.
restaurant idea: bare bulbs everywhere and so-so food
4.
Okay, not to hate, but 90% of these girls on "The Bachelor" have 8th place face.
5.
#JeSuisBeyonce
6.
"Aww, poor Beyonce," he thought, sitting on the toilet in his tiny rented apartment waiting 10 minutes for his showers hot water to kick in.
7.
Every Grammys is just treading water until Adele is back.
8.
.@OfficialAdele whats going on hurry up
9.
If you work hard and train every day, you too may one day play violin behind Ariana Grande.
10.
Two Sad Ideas For Lifetime Movies: 1) An entire family dies of cancer on the same day. 2) A woman tweets at a celebrity "its my birthday."
11.
Just got a Twitter alert on my phone that said "You haven't tweeted about that Brian Williams thing yet."
12.
I can just tell your baby is gonna grow up and make such great web content.
13.
There are two types of moms on TV: overbearing moms who tuck their daughter's hair behind her ear without asking, and dead ones.
14.
When my time comes, I want to die peacefully in my sleep. Or be strangled to death by Jamie Dornan.
15.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
16.
ask your doctor before using "yas!!!!" in a text
17.
I'm an "American Sniper glorified a lunatic murderer" in the streets but an "American Sniper celebrated a heroic killer" in the sheets.
18.
In a bizarre development, people who make #blessed jokes are now worse than those who say it sincerely. My, how this crazy world turns.
19.
When someone JUST NOW follows me, it’s like, “get with it, idiot.”
20.
who the fuck is sienna miller
21.
Whoa girl, you must be that "American Sniper" scandal, because I'm not interested in you at all.
22.
Do you think any of Ewan McGregor’s friends texted him, “why r u in mortdecai?”
23.
I would get punched in the face one time if it meant that every copy machine I used for the rest of my life would work right away.
24.
I'm 31 years old and I still sometimes think, "Wait, if I take 3 Advils will I accidentally die?"
25.
My boyfriend just said, “I’m serious. Look our dog in the eye and tell me he doesn’t remind you at least a little of Julianne Moore.”
26.
You are what you retweet.
27.
On “The Bachelor” a woman is considered funny if she’s ever laughed.
28.
What is Beyonce has another daughter and just names her Lisa?
29.
The grossest human instinct is to brag about how warm it is where you are to someone who lives where it’s cold.
30.
I love to shout "hard cut to black!" right before a movie does so that everyone in the theatre knows I get film.
31.
Curious to see how tonight's premiere of "The Bachelor" addresses all the recent police brutality across America.
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